This is our summary of an article first published by The Muslim Vibe (written by Lili Syahirah Ramlan). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Muslim VibeThis piece treats conflict as a normal part of marriage rather than a sign of failure, and pairs practical communication tools with reminders from the Prophet's ﷺ guidance on anger.
Key takeaways
- Calm down before raising an issue; change position or stay silent if anger rises.
- Expect differences and see marriage as a continuing effort to know each other.
- Keep disagreements private instead of complaining to friends, relatives or online.
- Describe how you feel and what would help, rather than accusing your spouse.
- Be ready to forgive and to ask forgiveness; in marriage you succeed or fail together.
What the article says
Ramlan begins by reassuring readers that conflict is unavoidable in marriage and that minor disagreements need not cause panic. Recalling the Qur'anic verse on tranquility, affection and mercy between spouses, she lists common triggers: criticism, short tempers, sarcasm, name-calling, poor communication, misread tone, trust issues, differing expectations, old grudges and differences of opinion.
“In marriage, either both of you win or lose and that is your decision to make.”
Lili Syahirah Ramlan
She then contrasts healthy and unhealthy arguments. In a healthier disagreement, spouses let each other finish, try to understand the other side, keep their tone respectful, avoid exaggeration and reach a resolution. Warning signs include mutual blame, raising several issues at once, closed-off body language, fixating on differences and ending exhausted without an answer.
Her five strategies follow. First, calm down beforehand, guided by the Prophet's ﷺ advice to speak good or stay silent and to sit or lie down when angry. Second, reset expectations about marriage, accepting that two different people must keep learning about each other; she cites a verse on being created as nations and tribes to know one another. Third, address your spouse courteously and privately; she recounts a man who travelled to consult Umar about his marriage and was advised patience with his wife. Fourth, use statements about your own feelings rather than accusations. Fifth, stay ready to forgive or seek forgiveness, since winning an argument is meaningless when the marriage loses.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
The article's emphasis on privacy and courtesy fits well with the kind of marriage most families hope for. In our experience, spouses who keep disagreements between themselves, or quietly seek advice from one trusted, knowledgeable person, recover far more easily than those whose conflicts become family or public talking points. Calming down before speaking, choosing gentle words and being quick to forgive reflect the mercy and patience at the heart of a Muslim home. These are habits worth practising, and asking about, even before the nikah.
Originally published by The Muslim Vibe. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
