This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Steve Horsmon). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteThis cycle is one of the most common patterns we hear about from married clients. Naming it, without blaming either spouse, is a powerful first step.
Key takeaways
- Pressing harder for closeness usually pushes a withdrawing spouse further away.
- If you tend to withdraw, know that your spouse's pursuit often comes from fear of being left.
- Neither role is wrong; trouble starts when spouses become locked into them.
- You can begin changing the pattern yourself, without waiting for your spouse to change first.
- Steady, low-pressure reassurance helps rebuild trust far more than urgent demands.
What the article says
Coach Steve Horsmon describes a dynamic in which one partner, the pursuer, responds to tension by moving closer, wanting to talk, resolve and reconnect right away, while the other, the distancer, responds by stepping back, seeking space and retreating into other activities. He cites research by E. Mavis Hetherington and Dr. John Gottman linking couples stuck in this cycle to a high risk of divorce, and Gottman's view that the pattern can follow people into later marriages.
Drawing on therapist Dr. Harriet Lerner, he stresses that neither style is wrong in itself, and many couples switch roles at different times. Problems arise when each becomes fixed in place: the pursuer criticises, the distancer becomes defensive or shuts down, and both begin to feel judged and to resent each other.
Because the pursuer usually feels the distance most, Lerner suggests they are often best placed to ease off and find gentler ways to reconnect. Horsmon adds that a distancer should recognise that their partner may simply be afraid of being abandoned, and that genuine reassurance can calm that fear. Distancers are warned that a worn-out pursuer may eventually leave. He emphasises that the advice applies equally to husbands and wives, and that one spouse changing consistently, out of a sincere wish to be a better partner, can shift the whole relationship.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Islam encourages spouses to be a source of tranquillity for one another, and this pattern quietly erodes that tranquillity. What we appreciate here is that neither spouse is cast as the villain. One may long to talk while the other needs space, and both deserve compassion. Patience, gentleness and the willingness to take the first step, even when it feels unfair, reflect the character our faith praises. If you recognise yourself in either role, consider speaking with a trusted counsellor or wise elder before resentment settles in.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
