This is our summary of an article first published by Sound Vision (written by Ammarah Usmani). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Sound VisionParents and singles often ask us how to balance preferences. This piece encourages realistic standards while still allowing for attraction and compatibility.
Key takeaways
- Put faith and character at the top of your list, and reorder everything else beneath them.
- Attraction, financial stability and similar background are reasonable, but should not outweigh deen.
- Think carefully before turning down a pious person over minor differences in status or looks.
- Involve family, but remember that you are the one who will live the marriage.
- Pray istikharah and seek Allah's guidance throughout the decision.
What the article says
Ammarah Usmani observes that many marriages, including in Muslim communities, are under strain, and suggests the problem lies less in how fast people decide and more in the standards they use. Across cultures, she says, checklists tend to centre on money, appearance, education, status and citizenship.
“Take out your checklists, move everything down one space, and at the top, write Deen.”
Ammarah Usmani
She points to the well-known hadith about the four reasons people marry and stresses that its advice to prioritise piety applies to men and women alike. She does not dismiss other factors: attraction, financial comfort and understanding each other's family background are all sensible, and marrying within a similar economic level can help. The problem is when families reject good proposals over small flaws, or when sons and daughters dismiss candidates for not being fair, tall, young or professional enough. Since no amount of research can guarantee how a marriage will turn out, she argues that deen should sit firmly at the top of the list, because a person's other qualities are only as reliable as their faith and character.
She also encourages readers to choose culture according to what genuinely suits them, to avoid marrying only to please relatives, to look beyond looks, which fade, and to follow the example of the Companions. She closes by recommending istikharah and trust in Allah's help.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
As matchmakers, we see lists that run long and leave little room for the person in front of you. This article does not ask anyone to ignore attraction or compatibility, which matter, but it does ask families to look honestly at which preferences are essential and which are habits of culture or status. Putting faith and good character first, while staying open to someone from a different background or profession, often widens the circle of good options. Patience, prayer and humility go a long way in this search.
Originally published by Sound Vision. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
