This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Zach Brittle).
Emotional awareness is rarely discussed when families evaluate a prospective spouse, yet it shapes daily life together. This piece shows that it can be learned at any age.
Key takeaways
- Emotional intelligence can grow throughout life; it rests on awareness followed by fitting action.
- Both spouses share responsibility for noticing their own feelings and each other's.
- Build a richer emotional vocabulary by checking in with yourself regularly, even in a notebook.
- Before reacting, ask whether you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, and pause.
- Soften how you raise concerns, so complaints are heard rather than resisted.
What the article says
Therapist Zach Brittle describes a long-running, good-natured debate with his wife over which of them is smarter, before arguing that the intelligence that matters most in marriage is emotional. He admits that for years he was poorly attuned to others and paid for it, and he now considers emotional intelligence at least as important as academic ability. Unlike IQ, he says, it can be developed across a lifetime, and it comes down to awareness and action.
Awareness includes understanding your own emotions and those of others, and both husband and wife need it. Brittle questions the assumption that women are naturally more emotionally attuned. His colleague Laura Heck, a therapist, suggests that women are often socialised to track others' needs, which can leave their own self-awareness underdeveloped, and that each spouse should care for the other out of desire rather than obligation.
Awareness alone is not enough; it must lead to appropriate action. Heck describes a common cycle in which a tired spouse raises a complaint, the other hears criticism and reacts angrily, and over time one partner stops speaking up while the other stops listening. Brittle suggests softening how concerns are raised, checking whether you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired before responding, and practising emotional awareness as a daily discipline.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Good character in Islam includes self-restraint, especially over anger, and this article gives that ideal a practical shape. Noticing what you feel before you speak, and caring about what your spouse feels, can turn a potential argument into a moment of understanding. When families consider a prospective spouse, they often ask about education and career; it is worth also asking how someone handles frustration and whether they listen well. The encouraging news is that these skills can be learned, and spouses who practise them together often find their marriage grows gentler with time.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
