This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Maureen Werrbach). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteIt names a pattern many couples feel but cannot describe, and offers three simple, research-based habits that fit naturally within a respectful, kind marriage.
Key takeaways
- Notice whether your thoughts about your spouse lean mostly toward complaints or toward warm memories.
- Be open to your spouse's views during disagreements instead of always trying to win them over.
- Tell your spouse daily about at least one thing you appreciate about them.
- Respond to small attempts at connection with eye contact, a smile or a kind word.
- Ask open-ended questions, such as what your spouse is looking forward to, and listen closely.
What the article says
Maureen Werrbach, writing for The Gottman Institute, contrasts two people: one who mostly recalls irritations and arguments when thinking of a spouse, and another who mostly recalls good times. Drs. John and Julie Gottman describe these as Negative and Positive Sentiment Override. In the positive state, a person tends to give their spouse the benefit of the doubt, makes more efforts to calm tense moments, and solves problems more effectively. In the negative state, even neutral or kind actions get read as hostile.
“Couples in the Negative Perspective don’t give each other the benefit of the doubt.”
Maureen Werrbach
The author says a positive outlook is something couples can build daily, and suggests three ways. First, accept your spouse's influence. Every couple has some problems that will never fully go away, and the choice is between resenting them or accepting what cannot be changed. She includes a short self-check about whether you value your spouse's opinions, avoid rejecting them by reflex, and see the relationship as one of equal voice. Second, grow fondness and admiration, for example by telling your spouse one thing you appreciate every day.
Third, respond to what the Gottmans call bids for connection: the small ways a spouse reaches out. Making eye contact, smiling, validating and asking open-ended questions all signal that their presence matters.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
When we introduce two people, early impressions can quietly harden into a lens, whether generous or suspicious, and the same thing happens years into marriage. This article shows that thinking well of others, husn al-dhann, is not only a spiritual courtesy but a practical skill that helps spouses argue less harshly and recover faster. Expressing appreciation each day, listening to a spouse's opinion with real openness, and turning toward them when they reach out are small acts of kindness that keep hearts soft toward one another.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
