This is our summary of an article first published by Love and Life Toolbox (written by Lisa Brookes Kift). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Love and Life ToolboxCouples often focus on big issues and overlook small daily signs of love. This piece is a kind reminder that little things carry real weight in a marriage.
Key takeaways
- Keep up small daily signs of care, such as asking sincerely about your spouse's day.
- Learn which gestures make your spouse feel loved; needs differ from person to person.
- If you miss these gestures, ask for them kindly and clearly.
- When your spouse reaches out with affection, respond warmly so it continues.
- If resentment blocks closeness, consider seeking help from a counsellor.
What the article says
Kift describes how, early in a relationship, couples naturally prioritise each other, listen closely, show kindness and build trust, carried along partly by brain chemistry. That intense phase usually fades. Couples who also saw each other's flaws clearly tend to adjust well; those who relied mainly on the early excitement may find the transition harder. Afterwards, connection depends on enjoying each other's company, trust, respect, shared goals and goodwill.
“The little things legitimately matter.”
Lisa Brookes Kift
Beyond the well-known pillars of communication, conflict resolution, finances and parenting, she identifies an often-missed one: the small moments of everyday interaction. These might include a warm look, a hug, a check-in message during the workday, bringing a cup of coffee, a loving nickname, or an affectionate greeting and farewell. Some of these may naturally decrease over the years, she says, but losing all of them is a warning sign. People also need them to different degrees, often shaped by earlier experiences, which can cause resentment if not discussed.
When these small gestures are missing, she notes, physical closeness in the marriage often suffers too, and a slow sense of rejection can build. Her suggestions are to ask your partner directly for what you need, giving them the chance to form new habits; to respond positively when your partner does make these gestures, so they do not give up; and, if deeper resentment is in the way, to seek couples therapy. Small things, she concludes, truly matter.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
The Prophet's ﷺ gentleness with his family is a model many couples cherish, and many spouses we know say it is precisely the small moments, a kind greeting, a sincere question, a cup of tea brought without being asked, that keep their marriage warm. As the years bring work, children and caring for parents, such gestures can quietly disappear. It is worth talking openly, early in marriage, about what makes each of you feel loved, and to keep offering those small kindnesses as a habit of mercy.
Originally published by Love and Life Toolbox. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
