This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Brittini Carter). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteTrust is far easier to build than to repair. We like this for its practical focus on small daily choices, which matter from the earliest conversations with a potential spouse.
Key takeaways
- Only promise what you can deliver, and say so promptly if plans change.
- Share your intentions and big plans so your spouse is not left guessing.
- When you get something wrong, admit it, ask how to make amends, and plan to do better.
- Avoid even small lies; ask for time to think if you are not ready to answer.
- Work on one habit for two weeks before adding the next.
What the article says
Carter notes that trust is usually discussed after it has been damaged by dishonesty, unreliability or betrayal. She prefers to focus on building it from the start, and offers four concrete habits.
“Building trust is a marathon, not a sprint.”
Brittini Carter
First, match your words with your actions. It is tempting, especially early on, to promise a great deal because you care, but broken promises do more harm than modest ones. Changing your mind is allowed, as long as you tell your partner. Second, communicate your intentions clearly, from everyday plans to major life decisions you are considering, because your partner cannot read your mind and should not be caught off guard.
Third, admit your mistakes. Everyone makes them; what builds trust is accepting responsibility, asking how to put things right, and committing to avoid repeating the same error. Fourth, always tell the truth. Carter observes that kind, well-meaning people often tell small lies to avoid conflict or please others, yet these make it harder to be believed on bigger matters. Instead, she suggests asking for time to think, or saying you would like to revisit a topic once you feel calmer. She closes by urging readers to reflect honestly on which habit needs work, practise it for two weeks before moving to the next, and remember that trust grows slowly and with patience.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Truthfulness and keeping promises are at the heart of good character in Islam, and they matter from the very first exchange between two families. During the search, honesty about your circumstances, intentions and timeline spares everyone hurt. In marriage, being reliable in small things, such as arriving when you said you would or following through on a task, reassures a spouse far more than grand words. Owning mistakes humbly and seeking to make amends is a sign of strength, and it invites the same in return.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
