This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Kyle Benson). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteEvery marriage has disagreements. We like that this piece does not ask for flawless communication; it offers realistic habits that ordinary couples can practise together.
Key takeaways
- Raise a concern gently: describe the situation, say how you feel, and ask for what you need.
- Notice and accept your spouse's attempts to calm things down, even clumsy ones.
- If either of you feels overwhelmed, pause for twenty to thirty minutes before continuing.
- Compromise means both adjusting and accepting influence, not one spouse simply giving in.
- After a hard argument, talk about the hurt it caused, not only the topic.
What the article says
Benson starts from a reassuring point: conflict is part of every relationship, and the common advice to listen perfectly and mirror your partner's feelings is something even happily married couples rarely manage. Drawing on decades of Dr. John Gottman's research, he notes that a good share of conflicts are solvable when handled well, and he lays out a five-step model built on what successful couples actually do.
“When choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.”
Dan Wile
The first step is a soft start-up. How a conversation opens tends to shape how it ends, so the article contrasts a critical, contemptuous exchange about household chores with a calmer version in which one spouse describes the situation, owns part of the problem, states a clear request and shows appreciation. The second step is learning to offer and receive repair attempts, the small gestures that slow an argument down. They only work when the other spouse lets them in, which is easier when the relationship is generally warm.
The third step is soothing: recognising emotional flooding, taking a break of twenty to thirty minutes, and agreeing together how to calm each other. The fourth is compromise, which Benson describes as accepting your partner's influence and their imperfections rather than dwelling on wishful comparisons. The fifth is tending to emotional injuries left by arguments, since how you fought can hurt as much as the issue itself. He adds that these skills help with solvable problems; some differences are perpetual and will not disappear through compromise.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Disagreement does not mean a marriage is failing. The Prophet ﷺ was known for his gentleness, and that spirit fits closely with a soft start-up, a kind word to calm things, and the humility to accept a spouse's point of view. Many of the people we work with worry when early disagreements appear during the getting-to-know stage. We encourage them to watch how a potential spouse handles conflict: whether they can pause, apologise and adjust. These habits are worth learning before the nikah, and they protect families long after it.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
