This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Ellie Lisitsa). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteMany couples know something feels wrong but cannot say what. This short piece offers a gentle starting point: understand yourself first, then reach toward your spouse.
Key takeaways
- Before trying to change your spouse, look honestly at your own part in the problem.
- Try to name exactly what you feel and need, rather than a vague sense of unhappiness.
- Swap yes-or-no questions for open ones that invite your spouse to share more.
- If a feeling is hard to name, pause, breathe, and search for the word that fits.
What the article says
The article, drawing on therapist Terry Gaspard and Dr. John Gottman, argues that couples cannot build a healthy relationship without emotional attunement: being aware of what is happening inside yourself and in your partner, and approaching problems as a team. It echoes two pieces of advice: examine your own behaviour first, and keep your hopes about how much your spouse will change realistic. Trying to fix the other person, it says, does not work, and blame helps no one.
“It is impossible to nurture healthy relational dynamics without practicing attunement.”
Ellie Lisitsa
To illustrate, it describes a married couple in their thirties who each feel neglected. Both can tell they are unhappy, but neither can say exactly why, so they start blaming each other. The author warns that repeated blame feels like an attack on character and slowly pushes spouses apart, moving them toward what Gottman calls the Four Horsemen.
The way forward begins with self-care in the sense of self-understanding: working out what you need and what feels missing before expecting your spouse to understand it. The article suggests asking open-ended questions instead of ones answered with a simple yes or no, and taking quiet time to find the right word for a feeling. It closes with sample lists of positive and difficult emotions to help readers build that vocabulary.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Islam honours the person who looks first at their own faults before pointing at others. In our work, we often meet people who sense that something is missing but have never learned the words for it. Naming a feeling calmly, asking a question with real curiosity, and listening with patience are small acts of mercy between spouses. They also make it easier for families and matchmakers to help, because a clearly expressed need can be met, while a vague grievance tends to grow. Gentleness with yourself and with your spouse is part of good character.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
