This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Ellie Lisitsa). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteEvery couple argues sometimes; what matters is what happens afterwards. This gentle structure helps spouses repair without restarting the fight.
Key takeaways
- Talk about the argument once calm, without jumping back into it.
- Take turns naming how you felt, such as hurt, unheard, overwhelmed or afraid.
- Accept that each of you experienced the moment differently and both views are real.
- Let your spouse know you understand at least part of their experience.
- Name what you contributed, for example stress, criticism or not asking for what you needed.
What the article says
Ellie Lisitsa writes that while no one can erase an argument, couples can repair and learn from it. Processing a fight means calmly discussing what happened, how each person felt and what might have prevented the conflict from going badly, without restarting the argument itself. She stresses that there is no single objective account of a fight, only two personal perspectives, so the aim is not to decide who was right but for each partner to take responsibility and find common ground.
The approach has three steps. First, each partner describes what they felt, and the article offers a list of words to help, ranging from defensive, hurt and misunderstood to lonely, overwhelmed or afraid. Second, both describe their own perspective on what happened, keeping in mind that neither view is simply wrong, and validate each other. She cites Dr. John Gottman's finding that people can only influence a partner if they are also open to influence, and gives sample responses such as acknowledging that you can see why your partner felt that way.
Third, each partner accepts responsibility for their part, considering what set them up for the conflict, such as stress, low mood, being critical, emotional unavailability or not asking for what they needed. Couples who never process their fights, she warns, can see conflicts pile up until they become overwhelming.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Humility, honesty and the willingness to apologise are part of good character, and they matter most with the people closest to us. This approach gives spouses a respectful way to return to a painful moment, listen without defensiveness and own their part. Rather than keeping score, couples learn to understand each other and grow. Making repair a regular habit early in marriage helps prevent small hurts from hardening into resentment, and allows mercy and patience to shape the home.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
