This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Andy Reynolds). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteGetting-to-know-you meetings often stall on short answers. This simple technique helps prospective spouses, and married couples, talk more deeply.
Key takeaways
- Questions starting with do or did usually invite a one-word answer.
- Try openers like how, in what ways, tell me about, or what is it like.
- Open questions let the other person shape the answer and share more of themselves.
- Ask in what ways your spouse is happy, not simply whether they are happy.
- You cannot force openness, but good questions create space for it.
What the article says
Social worker Andy Reynolds begins with a playful experiment: he opens with a set of closed questions, then rewrites them in an open form, showing how differently each invites a response. Closed questions, which can be answered with yes or no, tend to shut conversation down. He compares them to a comedy sketch in which an interviewer keeps asking guests whether they remember things, and receives only flat, one-word replies.
His remedy borrows from Motivational Interviewing, the counselling approach developed by Miller and Rollnick: ask questions that cannot be satisfied by yes or no. Rather than starting with do or did, begin with phrases such as how, in what ways, tell me about, or what is it like. He gives the example of asking a teenager in what ways they felt accomplished today instead of whether they had a good day. Open questions encourage reflection and let the other person steer the answer, so people talk with you rather than at you.
In marriage, he notes, the Gottman approach encourages couples to ask each other open questions regularly to deepen closeness, especially when busy routines crowd out real conversation. Asking in what ways your partner feels happy in the relationship, for instance, opens a far richer discussion than asking whether they are happy. While no one can be forced to open up, thoughtful questions invite honesty and vulnerability.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
In a family-involved search for a spouse, meetings are often short and a little formal, and it is easy to fall into a checklist of yes-or-no questions. Asking open questions about faith, family, hopes and daily life helps both people see each other's character more clearly. In marriage, the same habit keeps spouses curious about each other over the years. Listening well and asking with genuine interest are part of good manners and kindness, and they make a home a place where everyone feels heard.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
