This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Zach Brittle). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteSmall daily responses may matter more than grand gestures. This piece helps spouses notice the quiet ways they ask for each other's attention.
Key takeaways
- A bid is any small attempt to connect: a comment, a smile, a question or a request.
- Responding warmly to bids, even briefly, builds trust over time.
- Ignoring a bid can hurt more than openly declining it.
- Learn to hear the meaning beneath your spouse's words, not just the words themselves.
- Reflect honestly on how often you turn towards your spouse, and how you could improve.
What the article says
Zach Brittle explains one of the core ideas in Dr. John Gottman's work. In a study that followed newlyweds for six years, couples who stayed married had responded positively to each other's attempts at connection about 86 percent of the time, while those who divorced did so only about 33 percent of the time. The author calls this one of the most important habits a couple can build.
Gottman calls these attempts bids: any effort by one partner to gain the other's attention, affection, support or approval. Some are simple, like a smile, while others are more involved, like asking for advice. Bids often carry an unspoken message underneath the surface words, and learning to hear it takes practice. Brittle suggests couples talk openly about bids, even naming them, and try exercises such as watching a programme without sound and guessing what the characters are signalling.
Turning towards means noticing and responding to a bid. Missing it, which the article calls turning away, can be more damaging than refusing it, because a refusal at least keeps the conversation going. Repeatedly missed bids lead people to stop reaching out, or to look elsewhere for attention. The article closes with reflection questions about how each partner makes bids, recognises them and responds, and what it feels like when a bid is missed.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
The Prophet ﷺ was known for giving people his full attention and responding with warmth, even to small requests. This article shows why that kind of attentiveness matters so much at home. A spouse sharing something about their day, asking a question or simply smiling is often seeking connection. Responding kindly is a small act of mercy that builds trust and affection over years. For couples just starting out, learning to notice these quiet requests early can lay a strong foundation for a marriage built on friendship and care.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
