This is our summary of an article first published by The Atlantic (written by Emily Esfahani Smith). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The AtlanticA rich, readable account of John and Julie Gottman's best-known findings. Its central message, that kindness is a habit you can strengthen, is one every couple can act on.
Key takeaways
- Notice your spouse's small bids for attention and respond with interest, not indifference.
- Look for things to appreciate and thank your spouse for, rather than scanning for mistakes.
- Contempt does the most damage; criticism and cold silence wear love away.
- Treat kindness as a muscle that grows stronger with practice, especially when you are tired.
- Even in anger, explain your hurt instead of attacking your spouse.
What the article says
Smith opens with a sobering figure from psychologist Ty Tashiro: only about three in ten married people remain in healthy, happy marriages. She then turns to John Gottman, who began studying couples when divorce rates surged and later founded the Gottman Institute with his wife, Julie. In his University of Washington lab, newlyweds were monitored while discussing their relationship, then followed up six years later. Couples who later split or were unhappy, whom he called disasters, showed signs of fight-or-flight even in calm conversation; the masters were physically calm, having built a climate of trust.
“You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
Julie Gottman
In a later study in a lab set up like a retreat, Gottman observed bids, small requests for connection such as pointing out a bird outside the window. A partner can turn toward the bid with interest or turn away. Couples who had divorced at follow-up had turned toward each other about a third of the time; those still together did so in roughly nine of ten cases. The Gottmans describe masters as habitually looking for things to appreciate, while disasters look for faults. Contempt, they say, is the leading factor that pulls couples apart, and critical partners overlook much of the good their spouse does.
Kindness, by contrast, binds couples together, and other research cited in the article names it, with emotional stability, as a key predictor of marital satisfaction. Smith describes kindness as a muscle strengthened by use, most needed when you are tired and hardest during a fight, where it shapes how anger is expressed. She also encourages generosity about a partner's intentions.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Kindness and gentleness sit at the heart of the character Muslims hope to embody, and this research shows how practical those virtues are in marriage. Turning toward a spouse who wants to share something small, thanking them often and choosing gentle words in anger are not minor courtesies; they are what keep affection alive. The Prophet's ﷺ example of gentleness offers a beautiful model. For those still searching, watching how a potential spouse treats service staff, siblings and parents can say much about the kindness they will bring home.
Originally published by The Atlantic. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
