This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Sinead Smyth, LMFT). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteShared decision-making is at the heart of a healthy marriage. This short Gottman Institute piece explains it clearly and fairly for both spouses.
Key takeaways
- Accepting influence means staying open to your spouse's view, not simply agreeing or obeying.
- Research described here found that being open to influence tends to increase your own influence.
- Watch for subtle resistance, like asking for input after you have already decided.
- If you were raised to stay silent, practise voicing your view; both extremes breed resentment.
- Look for small ways to say yes, even just acknowledging that your spouse has a point.
What the article says
Smyth notes that most people believe both partners should shape decisions, yet each tends to see the other as the inflexible one. She cites research by Drs. Gottman and Jacobson showing that men who accepted influence from their wives had happier relationships, and that the more influence a partner accepted, the more influential that partner became overall. She stresses that this applies equally to both spouses, and that a respectful, fair back-and-forth is a mark of a strong relationship.
“Do you want to be right or do you want to stay together?”
Sinead Smyth, LMFT
Accepting influence, she explains, is often misunderstood as compliance, as if saying yes to everything keeps the peace. In fact it means being open to your partner's ideas, treating their view as valid and being willing to have your mind changed, especially when you disagree. Resistance can be obvious, such as always insisting on your way, or subtle, such as asking for input after quietly deciding, or saying no by reflex to stay in control. At the other end are people raised to believe their voice does not count, who stop speaking up. Both patterns lead to power struggles and resentment.
Her suggestions are to check yourself honestly for ways you shut your partner down, listen with curiosity and confirm you have understood, remember that openness increases your own influence, and look for ways to say yes, even a simple acknowledgment that you see their point.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Mutual consultation, or shura, is a value Muslims hold dear, and the spirit of this article fits it well. A home where both spouses feel heard is calmer and fairer, whatever roles a couple has agreed on. Accepting influence does not mean giving up your convictions; it means honoring your spouse enough to truly consider what they say. For those meeting prospective spouses, noticing whether someone listens and can change their mind is often more telling than any list of credentials. Saying, I see your point, costs little and builds much.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
