This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Kyle Benson). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteSo many spouses, especially those raised to solve problems quickly, mean well but leave their partner feeling dismissed. This article gently shows a better way.
Key takeaways
- Before offering solutions, make sure you understand what your spouse feels and why.
- All feelings are acceptable, even if some behavior is not.
- Avoid phrases like calm down or it is not a big deal; ask what is upsetting them instead.
- You are not responsible for fixing your spouse's mood; your role is to listen and care.
- Reflect back what you heard, then ask whether there is more to it.
What the article says
Benson describes a couple, Mike and Stacey, whose conflict traces back to childhood. Stacey's family treated every emotion as valid, while Mike's family tried to argue his feelings away, so when Stacey became angry or sad he rushed to fix or neutralize it. She felt foolish and unseen. In Gottman's ATTUNE model for a weekly State of the Union conversation, the listener's first job is understanding, followed by non-defensive listening and empathy, and research cited in the article found that giving advice before understanding gets in the way of resolution.
“But, while all emotions are acceptable, all behavior is not.”
Kyle Benson
The article argues that difficult emotions such as sadness, fear, jealousy or insecurity are not problems to be removed. Bottling them up, it notes, is linked to lower wellbeing, while sharing them is a chance to connect. Gottman is quoted saying that feelings arise unbidden and have their own logic. Benson's point is that every emotion is acceptable but not every behavior is, and that dismissive remarks only belittle the other person. A better opening is to ask what has upset them.
Mike believed his job as a husband was to make his wife happy, which pushed him to correct her feelings and slowly built resentment and distance between them. Once he accepted that he could not control her emotions and only needed to listen and care, things eased. Benson suggests slowing down, asking open questions, checking your understanding and asking whether there is more, since anger often sits on top of fear and sadness.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Many of us were raised in homes where feelings were not discussed, or where a quick solution was the loving response. In marriage, that instinct can leave a spouse feeling unheard. The Prophet's ﷺ example of gentleness and attentive care offers a beautiful model here. Simply saying, help me understand, can soften a tense moment more than any advice. For those preparing for marriage, noticing how a potential spouse responds when you share something difficult can tell you a great deal about their character and the home you would build together.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
