This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Gillian Florence Sanger). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteDisagreements over politics or community issues can strain families and in-laws. Although written about political debate, these tips on curiosity, pauses and boundaries carry over well to any charged conversation at home.
Key takeaways
- Remember the person across from you wants the same basics you do: to be loved and safe.
- Ask what experiences shaped their views, and yours, before judging.
- Take short breathing pauses, and wait before replying to a heated message.
- Move a tense online exchange to a phone call or face-to-face talk.
- You may step back from any discussion that lacks mutual respect.
What the article says
Sanger writes during the tense 2020 election season, when many people either avoided hard subjects or cut off relatives after heated exchanges. She suggests mindful communication does not mean holding no views or never feeling uneasy, nor joining every debate. It means noticing the way you engage with the person in front of you: what you bring to the conversation, whether there is a better way to approach it, and how you care for yourself when tension rises.
“While it might be difficult to see eye-to-eye on political issues, you might just find that at the same time, it is possible to see heart-to-heart.”
Gillian Florence Sanger
Her first practice is remembering shared humanity: underneath our positions, we all want love and safety for ourselves and our families, and keeping that in view invites curiosity rather than condemnation. Second, consider how upbringing, opportunities and hardships shaped your beliefs and the other person's, instead of treating your own experience as universal truth. Third, take breathing breaks, at the table or by stepping away, and do not rush to answer online. Fourth, when arguing online with someone you trust, suggest a call or an in-person talk, which leaves less room for misreading.
She also encourages healthy boundaries: you cannot control how someone else shows up, and no conversation is compulsory, so you may leave one that lacks respect. Finally, listen to understand rather than to win, noticing what the other person values beneath their words. People who feel truly heard are more likely to listen in return, and even without agreement, a deeper connection may still be possible.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Families do not always agree, and differences over politics, community affairs or even religious opinions can unsettle a household or strain a new relationship with in-laws. The gentleness this article describes, pausing before speaking, assuming the other person wants good, and walking away from a quarrel rather than winning it, reflects the character we admire in the Prophet's ﷺ example of gentleness. For couples, these same habits make it easier to discuss sensitive topics without wounding each other. Not every disagreement needs to be settled for hearts to stay close.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
