This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Mary Beth George). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteA warm, personal story showing that commitment is mostly made of ordinary daily choices, especially when life gets hard. It pairs well with any couple's conversation about what makes them feel safe.
Key takeaways
- Commitment is something you do each day: decisions made with your spouse in mind.
- Cherishing means telling your spouse often what you value about them.
- Protect trust by refusing to complain about your spouse to others.
- Hard seasons like a new baby, grief or illness can deepen trust when spouses lean on each other.
- Write a list of what you cherish in your spouse and share it with them.
What the article says
George describes a quiet evening at home with her husband, Sean, after 25 years together, working through the first conversation in John and Julie Gottman's book Eight Dates. That conversation centers on trust and commitment: what they look like in a couple's life, how spouses help each other feel safe, and what agreements they hold. To prepare, she wrote out the ten things she most cherishes about him.
“Commitment is really a verb because it is the actions we take daily to let our partner know we are with them, and that we make decisions with them in mind.”
Mary Beth George
She explains the ideas behind the exercise. Cherishing means seeing your spouse as irreplaceable and saying so often, which builds trust. Commitment is closer to a verb, the daily actions that show you are on your spouse's side and that you weigh them in your choices. It includes resisting betrayal, working through differences together, practising gratitude for what you have and never running your spouse down to others.
The couple's own story shows this in practice. They leaned on each other through a colicky baby, and through the year she lost both her mother and her dog, a period that brought more arguments and couples counseling. The deepest test came with a frightening, undiagnosed illness twelve years earlier. Her husband drove her to the emergency room at night, changed his diet alongside hers, grew more patient and began leaving her notes. Looking back, she realized how afraid he had been too. When she finally read him her list, she saw it simply described their ordinary shared life, faults included.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
In Muslim marriages, love is often described as something that grows through mercy and shared life rather than something found fully formed. This essay shows exactly that: trust built through hospital nights, grief and small acts of service. It is also a reminder for those still searching to look for character that shows up when things are hard, not only when things are pleasant. Speaking well of your spouse, guarding their honor in their absence, and naming the good you see in them are simple habits with lasting weight.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
