So you found the girl you want to get married to, and you go and propose. You make sure your hair is combed, teeth are brushed and you wear the best of your garments and get ready to meet her family. In your head you may be thinking and rehearsing every possible situation or just being relaxed and making your way to your future father in law’s house. When you arrive at the door, you are greeted by the family and they give you an answer which pains you, “No you cannot marry her because your are from there”
Before you get all emotional and angry, think about this situation logically. Try looking at it from their perspective concerning why would they deny you in marriage based on your ethnicity. Well to be honest it’s mainly for 3 reasons:
Communication: Parents want to be able to communicate in their native language to their son or daughter in law in their native language and communication is a key part of any relationship.
Fear: Parents sometimes have fear that if their son in law harms their daughter it would lead to them doing nothing about it. But they feel if they are from the same ethnicity as the son in law there is less of a chance of that.
Children: Parents think about their grandchildren and may be concerned about them having a culture clash or a language clash.
Considering all that, it probably seems that their decision has some logic to it, but that does not mean that they’re logic is correct. We are all children of our parents and we all love them dearly, but lets analyze some facts:
Firstly, living in the west majority of parents known some sort of English, and definitely enough to communicate. This may not be the same as their native language, but knowing a little English is a start.
Secondly, no matter what country or ethnicity you’re from, the way a spouse treats another is based on their fear of Allah. And without a doubt we all know the fear of Allah does not increase or decrease based on the country you’re from.
Thirdly, with all due respect, parents must understand that the native culture of their children is the Western Culture and their native language is English. These children grew up here and that is their culture and they are compatible in that sense.
Allah says in Surah Rum: ” And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth and the diversity of your languages and your colors. Indeed in that are signs for those of knowledge.”
Allah has created us different for a reason, not to create division between us but to create division among us and enhance diversity so that we will be similar in many ways but different also.
Parents: Wanting the best for your child, in fact means wanting the best for their akhira. The prophet (peace be upon him) said to marry you daughters off to men with Fear of Allah and marry your sons to women with the religion of Allah. Use this as your criteria blessings of Allah’s messenger (peace be upon him) sunnah will enter the marriage.
Children: Do not be judgmental to your parents, they have needs and feelings as well. Speak with them and find common ground inshaAllah. Parents are not evil or racist, may Allah prevent, but they do it out of love for you. Once they understand, inshaAllah you will have no problems.
The ummah is made of communities and these communities are made of families. These families are then made of couples and marriage is what brings these couples together. Marrying these couples using the Way of Allah and his messenger (peace be upon him) will thus has an impact on this Ummah and inshaAllah may be the cause for change.
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