This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by John Gottman). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteSingles are often told to lower their expectations. This piece offers a wiser balance: expect kindness and respect, but not a marriage without differences.
Key takeaways
- Expect to be treated with kindness, affection, loyalty and respect, and never accept abuse.
- Accept that disagreements happen even in happy marriages and can deepen understanding.
- Many differences are lasting; aim to manage them well rather than eliminate them.
- Do not expect your spouse to heal every old wound or meet every deep need.
What the article says
Gottman questions the common advice to keep expectations low so you will not be disappointed. He cites Dr. Donald Baucom's decade of research on marital expectations, which found that people tend to get what they expect: those with low standards often end up treated poorly, while those with higher standards tend to be treated well. Holding high yet realistic standards is therefore more likely to produce the relationship you hope for than overlooking problems.
“Expect that. You deserve it. It’s not unreasonable, and it’s achievable.”
John Gottman
He then explains his idea of a good-enough relationship, which might sound like settling but is not. In such a relationship, partners expect kindness, love, affection, respect and loyalty, and refuse to accept any emotional or physical abuse. What they do not expect is a relationship without conflict. Even happy couples argue, and handled well, conflict can bring greater understanding.
Nor should couples expect to solve every problem. Gottman reports that his research found around two thirds of relationship conflict is perpetual, and quotes Dr. Dan Wile's observation that choosing a partner means choosing a set of unsolvable problems. Citing Eli Finkel, he adds that it is unrealistic to look to a marriage to mend childhood wounds or deliver spiritual fulfilment. Instead, good-enough couples are friends, honour each other's dreams, trust each other, manage conflict constructively, find workable compromises and repair after hurting one another. That, he says, is reasonable and achievable.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Families and singles often swing between two extremes: a long list of demands, or being told to compromise on everything. This article offers a healthier middle path. It is right to expect a spouse who is kind, loyal and respectful, and no one should accept harm. At the same time, no marriage is free of differences, and a spouse cannot carry every emotional or spiritual need; our deepest reliance is on Allah. Knowing the difference between essential standards and ordinary imperfections makes the search kinder and marriages steadier.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
