This is our summary of an article first published by Love and Life Toolbox (written by Lisa Brookes Kift). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Love and Life ToolboxWeddings can absorb a family's attention for months. This short piece is a timely nudge to invest equally in the skills a marriage will actually need.
Key takeaways
- Learn to speak kindly and stay present during tough conversations instead of withdrawing.
- Talk about what makes each of you feel emotionally safe and valued.
- Discuss how you will balance individual needs with shared life as a couple.
- Reflect on how your upbringing may shape your reactions, with compassion for each other.
- Consider premarital education a long-term investment in your future family.
What the article says
Kift, a marriage and family therapist, observes that couples often devote huge time and money to wedding details such as venue, guests, flowers and food, while giving far less attention to preparing for married life itself. In her practice she sees distressed couples who never learned to communicate well or resolve conflict calmly and who have come to treat each other as opponents. The excitement of early love, she notes, can lead couples to overlook two simple facts: life is sometimes hard, and so are relationships.
“Premarital education is an investment that can have a long-term payoff in a secure, loving and satisfying marriage.”
Lisa Brookes Kift
She describes premarital investment as gathering tools for later. The first is healthy communication: speaking kindly and compassionately, staying present and calm instead of withdrawing or reacting, and listening and validating during difficult talks. The second is emotional safety, meaning each spouse feels prioritised, respected and secure with the other, and both understand what could undermine that. The third is balance between the individual and the couple, since partners often expect different amounts of personal and shared time and may need to compromise.
The fourth area is family-of-origin wounds. Hurts from childhood can surface in marriage as difficulties with trust or self-worth, so she encourages each person to examine their own history and treat both their own and their partner's vulnerabilities with compassion. She concludes that premarital education can pay off for years in a secure and loving marriage, and benefits any children who grow up with stable, connected parents.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
In many of our communities, wedding planning involves the whole extended family, sometimes for a year or more. We would love to see a fraction of that energy go into preparing the couple themselves: learning to communicate calmly, understanding each other's family backgrounds and agreeing on expectations. Premarital classes or counselling are not a sign that something is wrong; they are a form of care, much like consultation before any important decision. Parents can encourage this gently, as a gift to their children's future home.
Originally published by Love and Life Toolbox. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
