This is our summary of an article first published by Rewire (written by Katie Moritz). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on RewireMany singles carry a long list of hopes for a spouse. This piece gently asks whether we are also ready to invest the effort those hopes require.
Key takeaways
- Expecting a spouse to be friend, confidant and co-parent is normal now, but it raises the effort required.
- The happiest marriages today tend to belong to couples who protect regular time for each other.
- If time is scarce, consider adjusting expectations and focusing on steady affection rather than grand goals.
- Busy seasons make it tempting to postpone the relationship; small, regular investments matter more than you think.
What the article says
Writing for Rewire, Katie Moritz looks at the ideas of Northwestern University psychologist Eli Finkel, whose book The All-or-Nothing Marriage argues that marriage has split in two directions. On average, marriages today are less satisfying and more likely to end in divorce than in earlier generations. Yet the strongest marriages now are, by his reading of research across psychology, sociology, economics and history, more fulfilling than the best ones of the past.
“Couples can choose to invest more time and energy in their marriage, perhaps by altering how they use whatever shared leisure time is available,”
Eli Finkel, quoted in the article
Finkel connects this to a cultural shift beginning in the 1960s. As marriage became less of an economic and social necessity, people began to judge it by how it made them feel and whether it helped them grow. That raised the bar. Couples who meet the higher standard flourish, while those who fall short are more likely to separate. At the same time, the average couple now spends less time on the relationship than couples once did.
The article notes that spouses now hope one person will fill many roles at once: closest friend, trusted listener and partner in raising children. Busy lives make it easy to push the marriage to the side. Finkel offers two honest paths: put more time and energy into the relationship, perhaps by using shared free time more intentionally, or, if that is not possible, lower the demands and focus on a warm, affectionate bond.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Families sometimes worry that young Muslims expect too much from marriage, and young Muslims sometimes feel their families expect too little. This article suggests both can be true: high hopes are fine, as long as they come with a willingness to give time, attention and patience. In our work we see that the marriages that grow are the ones where spouses keep showing up for each other in ordinary moments. Before you search, it may help to ask what you are ready to give, not only what you hope to receive.
Originally published by Rewire. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
