This is our summary of an article first published by Psychology Today (written by Dianne Grande, Ph.D.). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Psychology TodayA balanced look at expectations that avoids both cynicism and fairy tales. It is helpful for anyone preparing for marriage and for couples a few years in.
Key takeaways
- Hopes placed on marriage have grown while time invested in it has shrunk; both matter.
- Expect, at minimum, kindness and respect; never accept abuse as normal.
- Match your expectations to the time, effort and skills you both can realistically give.
- Some problems will not be solved; learn to manage them calmly.
- Shared enjoyment and time together build trust, and trust makes conflict easier to resolve.
What the article says
Grande, who describes herself as a believer in marriage, suggests one simple way to improve it is to adjust, or even drop, some expectations. Marriage once centered on status, financial security and stability for raising children; more recently people have added friendship, romance and the hope of a soul mate. She cites Eli Finkel's research showing expectations have climbed while the time couples invest has fallen, alongside record dissatisfaction, and notes that therapist Esther Perel sees the same rise, especially in the United States.
“If you want something more from your marriage, put more into it — more fun, more thoughtfulness, and more trust.”
Dianne Grande, Ph.D.
She balances this with research from the University of North Carolina warning against expecting too little. Donald Baucom found people tend to get what they expect, and those who tolerate emotional, verbal or physical abuse often keep being mistreated; the floor should be kindness and respect. Jim McNulty's four-year study of newlyweds found high standards only help when couples have good communication, manageable stress and enough time, so expectations should fit what both spouses can actually give.
Drawing on the Gottmans' observations of happy couples, she lists friendship and constructive arguing among their common features, along with accepting that some problems can be solved while others must be managed. Clinicians also note that couples who make time for enjoyment together feel more like a team, which builds trust and makes conflict easier. Her conclusion: tailor expectations to your real circumstances, hold to kindness, respect and trust, and put more in if you hope to get more out.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Many young Muslims enter marriage with expectations shaped by films, social media or comparisons with others, while families sometimes expect too little and counsel endurance of real mistreatment. This article sits wisely between the two. Kindness and respect are a floor, not a luxury, and no one should be told to accept abuse. Beyond that, contentment grows when spouses are realistic, grateful for the good and willing to invest time in each other. For those still searching, asking what you can give, not only what you hope to receive, is a helpful place to start.
Originally published by Psychology Today. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
