This is our summary of an article first published by Mental Health 4 Muslims (written by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Mental Health 4 MuslimsIt names two problems we encounter constantly: waiting for movie-style sparks and dismissing good people over status or background. It is direct, heartfelt and worth discussing as a family.
Key takeaways
- Feeling butterflies is not a reliable sign of a good spouse; character matters more.
- Unrealistic beauty standards from media can lead singles to overlook good prospects.
- Skin colour, accent, ethnicity, degrees, age and a previous marriage say little about future happiness.
- Parents should check whether their criteria come from Islam or from cultural habit.
- Many sincere sisters are overlooked; the community needs to widen its view.
What the article says
This article, adapted from a presentation by Hosai Mojaddidi, opens with a Sound Vision survey suggesting that around a third of North American Muslim marriages end in divorce, with incompatibility, including religious incompatibility, among the leading causes. Drawing on years of conversations with couples, the speaker argues that the way spouses are chosen needs rethinking.
“Nothing seems to be good enough anymore, so the question we must ask ourselves is: whose standards are we trying to meet?”
Hosai Mojaddidi
She identifies two problems. Among young people, she describes a love delusion shaped by films and music: the belief that true love is announced by racing hearts and instant chemistry. She recounts young women turning down kind, devout men for lacking butterflies, and young men expecting a partner who resembles airbrushed media images. Among elders, especially some from immigrant backgrounds, she sees rigid cultural prejudices about who is suitable.
She calls for a return to the Prophetic example and lists criteria that do not determine happiness, such as complexion, accent, ethnicity, degree, profession, eye colour, age, or having been engaged or married before. Citing psychologist Dan Gilbert's work on how poorly we predict what will make us happy, she urges families to put character first. She points out that the Prophet ﷺ was unlettered and had little wealth, and that several of his wives had been married before, and describes the loneliness of many sisters overlooked for superficial reasons.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Every week we speak with wonderful singles who have been passed over for reasons that have nothing to do with faith or character. This article asks singles and parents to examine their standards honestly. Attraction and compatibility matter, but expectations shaped by screens or by status can quietly shut the door on good people. Returning to the Prophet's ﷺ example of valuing character and kindness, and treating previously married and older singles with dignity, would ease a great deal of hidden loneliness in our communities.
Originally published by Mental Health 4 Muslims. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
