This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Stacy Hubbard). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteFor divorced or previously engaged singles, healing well matters as much as searching well. This piece offers a gentle, structured way to reflect without blame.
Key takeaways
- Ask whether criticism, defensiveness, contempt or stonewalling played a part, including in your own behaviour.
- If the past relationship was abusive, the focus is on recognising harm, not sharing blame.
- Consider at which stage things broke down and what warning signs were missed early on.
- Learn your own signs of feeling overwhelmed and practise calming down before continuing a hard conversation.
- Identify recurring disagreements and the deeper needs behind them.
What the article says
Writing for The Gottman Institute, therapist Stacy Hubbard offers a starting kit for anyone who wants to learn from a past relationship before entering another. She first asks readers to reflect on the four behaviours the Gottmans call the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. She shares that, in her own most significant past relationship, she was often defensive and struggled to accept responsibility. She is clear, however, that someone leaving an abusive relationship should not examine their role in the abuse, but recognise the harm done and the appreciation they deserve in future.
“Within each person’s position is a core need or a dream.”
Stacy Hubbard
She then describes three phases of love: an early infatuation stage, when warning signs are easily missed; a trust stage, when couples test whether they can rely on each other and conflict peaks; and a commitment stage built on cherishing each other. Readers are asked where their past relationship ended and why.
Finally, she explains flooding, the overwhelming physical stress response during conflict, and recommends a break of at least twenty minutes to calm down. She also discusses perpetual problems rooted in differences of personality or lifestyle, encouraging readers to identify the deeper need or dream behind each recurring issue.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Many people who come to us after a divorce or broken engagement want to move forward quickly, sometimes before they understand what happened. Taking time to reflect honestly, with self-compassion and without excusing harm, is part of preparing for a healthier marriage. There is no shame in a past that did not work out, and second marriages can be deeply blessed. Reflecting on patterns, learning to calm yourself in conflict, and naming your needs can help the next chapter begin on firmer ground.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
