This is our summary of an article first published by Mental Health 4 Muslims (written by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari and Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Mental Health 4 MuslimsThis guide asks the questions families sometimes forget in the excitement of a promising match. Its focus on character, safety and honest conversation is exactly what we encourage.
Key takeaways
- Do not marry someone hoping they will change; ask whether you can accept them as they are.
- Put character, such as humility, kindness, responsibility and contentment, ahead of chemistry.
- Watch how a prospect treats their parents, waiters and anyone they do not need to impress.
- Take controlling behaviour or frequent anger seriously, and seek help before marrying.
- Raise your concerns openly before the nikah and notice how the other person responds.
What the article says
Dr. Nafisa Sekandari and Hosai Mojaddidi argue that many young Muslims rush into marriage without having the conversations that reveal compatibility. Time spent together socially, they note, does not guarantee that the important questions ever get asked. Their guide, framed by Qur'anic verses on spouses finding tranquillity, affection and mercy in one another, sets out what to look for during the getting-to-know-you stage.
“If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married.”
Dr. Nafisa Sekandari and Sr. Hosai Mojaddidi
They warn against marrying potential, since people may not change after marriage, or may change for the worse. They urge readers to choose character over chemistry, highlighting humility, kindness, responsibility and contentment, and suggest observing how someone treats family and service staff, handles money and manages anger. Other points include attending to each other's emotional needs, making sure your life goals point in the same direction, and keeping physical boundaries before marriage so that judgement stays clear.
The authors offer four questions that should all be answered yes: do I respect this person, trust them, feel emotionally safe, and feel at peace with them? They describe signs of controlling or angry behaviour that may point to abuse, encourage raising every concern openly before marriage, and caution that no spouse can be responsible for your happiness.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Matchmakers see how easily a promising match can rush ahead on excitement alone. This guide offers a steady checklist: character, emotional safety, shared direction and honest conversation. Families can support singles by giving them time and appropriate space to ask real questions, and by taking warning signs like control or anger seriously rather than hoping marriage will fix them. The authors remind readers, through the Qur'anic passages they quote, that marriage is meant to be a source of tranquillity, affection and mercy.
Originally published by Mental Health 4 Muslims. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
