This is our summary of an article first published by TODAY (written by A. Pawlowski). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on TODAYMany couples put more planning into the wedding day than into the marriage. This short, practical list makes good material for conversations during an engagement.
Key takeaways
- Look after your own wellbeing so you bring your best self to the marriage, rather than expecting your spouse to complete you.
- Write down your expectations of marriage and compare them honestly with your future spouse's.
- Learn how your future spouse relates to their own family; old patterns often resurface.
- Disclose your full finances to each other and agree on how money will be managed.
- During conflict, pause and listen, and do not give up at the first difficult stretch.
What the article says
This TODAY article by A. Pawlowski draws on Liz Higgins, a Dallas marriage and family therapist who works with younger couples before they marry. Her starting point is that every couple, however well suited, will face conflict, so preparation matters. She cautions against expecting a spouse to complete you; caring for yourself helps you contribute your best, and healthy couples balance time together with some individual space. She also encourages couples to examine their expectations, since many hope one person will meet every need.
“Many of the themes in our family of origin repeat or resurface in marriage,”
Liz Higgins
Higgins notes that the feeling of being in love comes and goes, so shared values must carry a couple through flat seasons. She sees a partner's relationship with their own family as revealing, because family patterns tend to reappear in marriage, and she urges full financial openness, since money is a frequent source of mistrust.
On conflict, she suggests looking first at your own anxieties and reactions, then learning to slow down and listen. She observes that many young marriages end within five years and encourages couples, absent abuse, to treat difficulty as a chance to grow. Finally, she cites John Gottman's finding that stable couples have many more positive than negative interactions, and stresses small daily gestures of love.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
The engagement period, or the time when a family is seriously considering a match, is an ideal moment for these conversations. Talking openly about money, family closeness, expectations and how each person handles anger is not unromantic; it is part of entering marriage with clear intention. Our faith encourages consultation and honesty, and many couples find it helpful to involve a trusted counsellor or imam in premarital guidance. Asking these questions early protects both spouses and both families.
Originally published by TODAY. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
