This is our summary of an article first published by Psychology Today (written by F. Diane Barth). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Psychology TodayMany of the couples we meet worry they are not good with feelings. This piece offers reassurance and simple habits that do not depend on deep heart-to-hearts.
Key takeaways
- Show real interest in the ordinary details of your spouse's day, like errands, work hassles or a show they watched.
- Do small things side by side, such as cooking, walking or folding laundry, and let quiet company count.
- While your spouse is talking, signal that you follow and understand, and ask before interrupting with a question.
- Ask questions rather than assuming you already know what your spouse thinks.
- Share about yourself too, but leave plenty of room for the other person to speak.
What the article says
Psychotherapist F. Diane Barth starts from a comforting idea: if putting emotions into words is difficult for you or your spouse, the relationship is not doomed. She points to research, including work by John Gottman and Janice Driver, suggesting that the small, passing exchanges of daily life shape a couple's bond more than serious conversations about feelings do. Asking about a plumbing problem, planning a grocery list together, or remembering a favourite snack all tell your spouse that you care about their world.
“And it’s those insignificant moments that make up the reality of our lives.”
F. Diane Barth
She also highlights studies indicating that people feel closer when they share experiences, whether by recalling pleasant moments together, such as stories about their children, or simply by doing something at the same time. A brief touch of the hand or standing close can say more than an explanation.
Her other suggestions centre on listening well: show that you are following and understand, ask permission before interrupting to clarify, hold any disagreement until your spouse has finished, avoid assuming you know the answers, and balance talking with listening. Her closing advice is to notice, and gradually multiply, the ordinary moments you already share.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
In many Muslim homes, love is shown more through service and presence than through speeches. A cup of tea brought without asking, a walk after Maghrib, a few minutes of listening at the end of a long day: these are real expressions of mercy and kindness. If you or your future spouse are quieter about emotions, this article is a gentle reminder that closeness can be built in ordinary moments, one small act of attention at a time, in the spirit of the gentleness the Prophet ﷺ showed his family.
Originally published by Psychology Today. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
