This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Genesis Games). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteSocial media is part of almost every home now. This piece helps couples, and those getting to know someone, talk openly about online habits before they cause hurt.
Key takeaways
- Discuss what social media means to each of you, given your different backgrounds.
- Agree early on what you share about your relationship and how you handle private messages.
- Remember that other couples' posts are curated highlights, not the full picture.
- Ask your spouse before posting about them or your marriage.
- Give each other the benefit of the doubt, since tone is hard to read online.
What the article says
Games, a therapist, cites research linking heavy social media use with lower emotional wellbeing and less satisfying relationships, and concludes that worries about its effect on a relationship are not overblown. She also lists genuine benefits: staying close to distant family and friends, finding people with shared interests, keeping travelling spouses connected, and access to mental health and relationship education.
“The truth is that boundaries allow you to love the other person in a way they can feel.”
Genesis Games
Problems arise, she argues, when couples have not discussed what social media means to each of them or agreed on boundaries. Meaning varies with upbringing and culture, so understanding your spouse's view helps explain their behaviour online. Boundaries, she says, are a way of loving someone in a manner they can actually feel. She suggests discussing questions early: how much to share about the relationship, whom to follow, what to like or comment on, how to handle private messages, whether to share passwords, and how much time to spend online.
The hardest issue may be comparison. Feeds show carefully selected moments of other couples' lives, never the arguments or tears behind them, so measuring your real relationship against them breeds disappointment and can stir insecurities about commitment or time together. Her practical advice: spend phone-free time together, check before posting about your spouse, do not snoop, behave online as you would in person, assume good intent, and keep the conversation going.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Islamic values of modesty, privacy and guarding each other's honour apply online as much as offline. Some families prefer to keep a marriage, or a match in progress, entirely private; others are happy to share milestones. Neither is wrong, but a mismatch can cause real hurt. We encourage people in the getting-to-know stage to discuss social media openly, including photos, privacy and contact with others. Contentment with what Allah has given, rather than comparing ourselves with curated images, protects the heart and the home.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
