This is our summary of an article first published by The Gottman Institute (written by Dr. Lawrence Jackson). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on The Gottman InstituteAlthough written for a general audience, the core advice translates well to a serious, family-involved search for a spouse: know what you need and say it kindly and clearly.
Key takeaways
- Think carefully about the treatment you expect and the feelings you hope to have with a spouse.
- Clarify your values and beliefs, and how flexible you are on each.
- Set boundaries that keep you true to yourself and help you feel respected.
- Do not assume a potential spouse understands your expectations; discuss them openly.
What the article says
Dr. Jackson offers three steps for people looking for a partner, whatever their age or stage. The first is expectations. While searching for an imagined ideal is unrealistic, he argues that some expectations are healthy and necessary. Being clear about the treatment you expect and the feelings you hope to have with someone underpins your sense of comfort and security, especially as things become more serious. If feeling supported matters to you, for example, it helps to identify which supportive behaviours you value, so you can recognise when someone is not a good fit. He also suggests reflecting on your values, beliefs and ideals, and how firm or flexible each one is.
“Knowing how you want to be treated and how you would like to feel with a partner is essential to your comfort and security”
Dr. Lawrence Jackson
The second step is boundaries, which put those expectations into practice. Boundaries, he says, are less about pushing people away than about staying true to yourself while keeping the right people close. Letting a potential partner know what you are willing to discuss and do, and what you need, protects you from situations where you feel uncomfortable or undervalued.
The third step is communication. People often assume the other person already understands their expectations. Jackson encourages an open conversation about how each of you likes to receive kindness, love and respect, which both clarifies expectations and reinforces boundaries, making a positive experience more likely for both people.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
In a halal search, expectations, boundaries and communication are not just helpful; they protect everyone involved. Knowing your essentials in faith, character and lifestyle allows families and matchmakers to suggest suitable introductions and saves heartache. Clear boundaries about what is discussed, how often you speak and who is involved keep conversations purposeful and dignified. And speaking openly about what respect and kindness look like for you prevents painful assumptions later. Clarity, offered gently and honestly, is a form of mercy to the other person as well as to yourself.
Originally published by The Gottman Institute. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
