This is our summary of an article first published by Relish (written by Caitlin Killoren). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on RelishSelf-knowledge is one of the most useful things a person can bring to the search for a spouse. This piece offers simple, realistic ways to develop it.
Key takeaways
- When you react strongly, ask what feeling sits underneath, such as insecurity or guilt.
- Consider counselling or coaching to understand patterns shaped by past experiences.
- Write a few lines each day to notice what is going on inside you.
- Pay attention to how emotions show up in your body before you respond.
- Share your day's challenges and blessings with your spouse or trusted family.
What the article says
Killoren describes self-awareness as insight into your own inner world and reactions, and notes it is easiest to see when missing: people who are reactive, defensive, quick to project onto others and unable to own their part. Most of us sit somewhere along a spectrum. In relationships, she argues, self-awareness helps us spot what is really going on. Anger at a spouse who comes home late may in fact be insecurity rooted in an old hurt; resentment at a demanding friend may be guilt mixed with a need for rest.
“One area of our lives where self-awareness is almost essential is in relationships”
Caitlin Killoren
She then suggests five ways to grow this skill. Therapy, whether individual or for couples, naturally involves looking at how past experiences shaped present thoughts, and may reveal unhelpful patterns in the kind of people we are drawn to. Coaching is a lighter option focused on values and goals, helping people live more intentionally. Journaling gives the mind's constant commentary somewhere to land and lets you reread it and notice gaps.
Mindfulness meditation, she says, helps people pause, listen and choose their response, partly by noticing physical signs of emotion such as a tight chest or clenched jaw. Finally, sharing feelings with a partner or friends deepens awareness of yourself and of them. She suggests setting aside time to talk about bigger topics like values and the future, or to review the day's highs and lows together, noting that researchers link reflecting on what went well with better mood.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Muslim tradition has long encouraged self-reflection, holding ourselves to account before we judge others. In matchmaking, we see how much easier the process becomes when someone knows their own values, triggers and needs, and can explain them calmly to a potential spouse and their family. Counselling, journaling or quiet reflection are not signs of weakness; they are ways of preparing the heart. A person who understands why they react as they do is better able to show patience, take responsibility and offer mercy in marriage.
Originally published by Relish. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
