This is our summary of an article first published by Psychology Today (written by Madeline A. Fugère). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Psychology TodayFamilies often ask us how much attraction should matter. This article gives an honest, research-based answer that avoids both extremes.
Key takeaways
- People often say looks matter less than kindness or humour, yet their real choices may tell a different story.
- Most of us seem to need a reasonable level of attraction, not an exceptional one.
- What counts as attractive varies widely from person to person.
- Attraction tends to deepen as two people grow in familiarity, liking and respect.
What the article says
Psychologist Madeline Fugère begins with a gap between what people report and what they do. When asked to rank qualities in a potential spouse, most people place humour, intelligence, kindness and family-mindedness above appearance. Yet she describes watching a friend browse profiles and pause only on those she found good-looking. The research she reviews suggests that, in practice, appearance often acts as a first filter for both men and women, partly because people tend to link attractiveness with other good qualities.
“The longer we know each other, the less important physical attractiveness becomes to beginning and maintaining a long-term relationship.”
Madeline A. Fugère
The second half of the article softens that picture. Studies she cites indicate that people are not usually seeking someone stunning, only someone attractive enough. Drawing on a distinction between necessities and luxuries, she argues that a moderate level of attraction works like a necessity, while exceptional looks are more of a bonus that matters less once the basics are met.
She adds that who seems moderately attractive differs between individuals, that couples who are similar in attractiveness may fare better over the long term, and that attraction usually grows as two people come to know and respect each other. Over time, looks become less central to keeping a relationship strong.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Islam does not ask anyone to ignore attraction; families and matchmakers alike recognise that a spouse should be someone you are glad to see. At the same time, many singles hold out for a picture-perfect ideal and pass over people of real faith and character. This article supports a balanced middle path: make sure there is genuine, reasonable attraction, then give good character and shared values room to work. Affection that grows through respect and kindness often runs deeper than a first impression.
Originally published by Psychology Today. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
