This is our summary of an article first published by Psychology Today (written by Barton Goldsmith).
Some people repeatedly choose the wrong person and cannot see why. These straightforward tips help singles slow down and focus on character and compatibility.
Key takeaways
- Believe people when they describe their own habits or limits; do not plan on changing them.
- Prioritise kindness and good communication over looks, money or status.
- Make sure you agree on fundamentals such as children and faith before committing.
- Be cautious of anyone pressing for an immediate commitment; take time to know each other.
- A shared sense of humour helps a couple through life's hardships.
What the article says
Psychologist Barton Goldsmith writes for people whose choices in partners keep disappointing them. His first point is to take people at their word: if someone says they are often moody or struggle with commitment, believe them rather than hoping to change them. He urges looking for someone kind and loving, ideally from a family that models those qualities, since warm in-laws make life easier. He also recommends choosing a non-smoker, framing it as choosing health.
Communication, he argues, becomes more important over time than appearance, money or position; if you cannot talk openly or lean on someone in hard moments, the match is unlikely to work. Agreement on basics matters too. A difference over wanting children is a deal breaker, and differences in faith and politics tend to grow harder with age. At the same time, enough difference keeps life interesting, and compatibility in affection is worth considering.
He warns against anyone who wants to marry immediately, recommending that a couple know each other for six months or more before an engagement, and praises a partner who can make you laugh. He closes by admitting there are no guarantees, and advises patience, listening to friends and trusting your instincts.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Many of these tips echo what families have long said: look for good character, ask about the person's family, and agree on faith and children before anything else. We would add that involving parents and trusted elders brings perspective that is easy to lose when you are hopeful. The advice to take time also deserves attention; a rushed engagement leaves little room to learn how someone speaks, keeps promises and handles stress. Patience and careful consultation are blessings in this search, and kindness remains the quality most worth seeking.
Originally published by Psychology Today. Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
