This is our summary of an article first published by Alternative Entertainment (blog) (written by Abu Eesa Niamatullah). Read the full piece on their site.
Read on Alternative Entertainment (blog)Its humour is sharp, but its core message is one we repeat daily: be realistic about what you offer, prioritise God-consciousness over appearances, and leave racial and cultural bias behind.
Key takeaways
- Before demanding an ideal spouse, honestly assess what you yourself bring to a marriage.
- The early rush of attraction fades; lasting love grows from loyalty, care and friendship.
- Look first for God-consciousness and character, while appearance and background still have a place.
- Preferences are fine, but racial and cultural prejudice in choosing a spouse must be challenged.
- Discuss living arrangements and responsibilities toward parents frankly during the engagement.
What the article says
Writing for those who consider themselves practising Muslims, and drawing on long experience advising people through marriage searches and breakdowns, the author argues that marriage struggles are fundamentally human ones rooted in the self and its desires. He criticises how quickly people lose perspective once they start looking: demanding a spouse who excels in beauty, scholarship, character and cooking, while bringing far less themselves.
He distinguishes the giddy feeling of falling in love, which he says is temporary, from deeper love built on loyalty, closeness and care. Recalling the Prophetic guidance to prioritise religion when choosing a spouse, he advises seeking someone deeply conscious of Allah, and says women should hold men to the same standard. He also argues that people who have worked hard on their own faith and character can reasonably hope for a spouse of similar quality.
The author calls on the practising community to confront prejudice in marriage choices, including colour bias and stereotypes about women of particular ethnicities. Preferences and family wishes are acceptable, he says, but should not harden into bias. He also urges frank discussion before marriage about whether the couple will live with in-laws and how duties to parents will be shared. The copy we received breaks off early in a section on keeping love alive after marriage.
Why it matters for Muslim marriages
Every week we meet families with lists that no single person could satisfy. This article, though blunt, offers a needed mirror: humility about our own shortcomings makes us kinder judges of others. Its call to look past skin colour and ethnic stereotypes reflects the values of justice and good character at the heart of our faith. And its advice to settle living arrangements before the nikah could prevent many in-law tensions. A sincere, realistic search is often a much shorter one.
Originally published by Alternative Entertainment (blog). Summary and reflections by the BeyondChai team.
