It is really hard to get to know me by what I write as I've been told I seem very different in person. In sha Allah I was so relieved to learn I'm writing to the match maker so I can be more direct but personality is lost. I am really afraid to open up to another woman due to the intense judgement I face in person. In sha Allah the goal will be less a focus on me and more on what will please Allah. I have had many unfortunate challenges with Muslims, usually their first question is to know why I look the way I do and how I earn a living as they cannot accept I study Islam and live where I do when I witness them not asking someone else this. 

It might be best to start with factors that would exclude someone:

I have been objectified my entire life and have an unfair amount of attention with negative consequences (social exclusion, resentment, backbiting)  to my physical appearance. Because of the overwhelming obsession with appearance I have found others to have projected upon me, I would be best with someone who is understanding of this but isn’t obsessed by beauty themselves i.e. they don’t “act out” when a beautiful woman is around by changing their behavior.. I do not share this in common with many women thus making it challenging to talk about it but I can site a few scholarly articles that articulate beautifully what I continue to experience having said that. 

1. I don't wish to discuss my age and someone who is insistent on knowing or discussing would not be right for me. Since beauty understandably is usually a factor for accessing age, most 15 year olds think I am in their age range.  My imam thought I was his daughter's age and she thought I was a grade ahead of her. She was 14.  She is 17 now.  Thus the person while appreciating beauty, would have to be one who doesn't care about my age. This is not true for me.  I would not be a good match maturity wise with someone in their 20's, nor do I wish to be with someone who is over 45.  I do want a partner I am attracted to as well. 

2. A man that is obsessed with beauty and acts out when a "stunning" woman walks by would be wrong for me. This is hard to gauge. Men will lash out in anger at beautiful women and obsess over all they do. They also start to cough whistle and also display other physical behaviors due to being uncomfortable. I do not want to end up on the other side of this equation as it would be too painful for me or to be someone this person who would have acted out prior to knowing.  I would want someone who would have the emotional intellect to understand this dynamic that persists in my life and has challenged my social networks particularly through exclusion and would seek to defend and support me with it not be contradictory. 

3. This is difficult to write but based on sexual harassment, I would not get along with someone who is of an Indian/Pakistani culture, Black, Jewish or HIspanic. Anyone with a strong attachment to culture would not be a match. I am American and do not know any other cultures or languages.  I understand I am limiting my pool and if this were in person and we knew one another I would say if you really had a strong feeling someone was right for me then any category is okay.  

4. I am alone and vulnerable. 
I do not know any Muslims and was not raised Muslim.  I have reached out to Imams and teachers. about my situation I had a muslim mentor who is now famous and does not have time to spend with me even though she said she would not abandon me as the two people who raised me did.  There is no support group.  I have had an emotionally abusive childhood and rejected by both people who had relations to have me. I would need someone who needed me as much as I needed them but understands what a good family is and does not have other attachments such as children, or family that would cause me to be second place since I have never been important to anyone.  I have no emergency contact.

5. Financially stable, no expectations of shared financing, generous with money and Intelligence:
I am sensitive to having money withheld from me as was in my childhood. Any expectations that I would support myself financially would not be acceptable despite my history of being on my own.  I am very sensitive over my own property due to being trauma from having many things taken from me so the person would not want anything from me materially.   I am highly educated in every sense of the word and have realized that I do need someone highly intelligent to get alone with. 

6. Emotionally stable and kind hearted. Someone who doesn't yell or get angry but seeks to understand and would give in easier. I had to answer some question that would like to explain.  I accept that it is not a right but a man is allowed up to 4 wives. This would be unacceptable to me and I would not want someone who wanted that either.  I use perfume to help my be proactive about my migraines. I know that a man cannot shake another women's hand.  There are questions of Aquida. 

A lot has changed a lot in the past few years, as I spend most days now studying Islam and memorizing Qur'an full time! In my spare time I try to be a fun cat mom, make crafts, write and wish for more walks. I was just accepted as TA for an Islamic class and am overjoyed. I do experience migraines and have to take it easy a lot now.  I would want someone who understands I can't just go for a walk like other people, I am harassed by both men and women and would want someone who would be willing to accompany me on many things. Despite being on my own for so long. I have been on my own for most of my life and would be dependent on this person in every way.  I am highly educated and was used to a much different lifestyle than I am able to provide for myself. 

I value privacy and am an introvert - prefer not to give a resume version of myself or biographical details when I first get to know someone.

I've actually never asked another person their age, ethnicity, or even what they do for a living but find myself objectified in this way. I tend to accept others for who they are. 

I value kindness, compassion and being happy for others. I love to learn -anything that makes me think. The last two books I bought were about cryptocurrency, and Japanese home cooking. The last piece of music I listened to was Galuppi (classical) The last poem I read was Yeats. I used to love to watch basketball but have lost interest. I could talk about prehistoric animals forever,(not in a cool technical way, more about how they would take me on a tour and which one would be my pet etc.)  but most of my goals center around learning Qur'an, studying Arabic and working on myself. 

I can appreciate a bit of kind sarcasm and though serious at times,  am not and have never been a bitter or sarcastic person.  I'm definitely not a "devil's advocate" and prefer to support someone  in how they want to grow, rather than teach them a lesson or contradict them or debate their choices (unless asked) under the pretext of “I’m just trying to understand”.  It is easy for me to see beauty. 

I have never seen a reality show or most romantic comedies but have a long history of foreign films (Japanese and french) and documentaries. I don't have a netflix account and am disinterested in celebrity culture but again out of lockdown I revisited one series and that was Babar - a program for kids.

I try to engage in meaningful activity and strive to be creatively alive for those moments I have left. There are too many beautiful things to experience to ever use that phrase "kill time" ah!@$ I don't use curse words or watch anything I would not engage in.

I'm goal oriented and believe in personal excellence and in how I treat those closest to me they can and should expect the best.  As I don't have a typical job discipline is a must, what my schedule says I do.  It makes me happy so I stick to it. 

My friends over the years have described me as: polite, calm, intelligent, joyful, alive (?), kind, sensitive and giving.  I am mostly vegan, I love animals, I have good taste and manners and value intelligence. I don't like crowds or groups and prefer to spend time with one person who is close to me. I am INTJ if that helps, I don't know anything what's behind that. I am quiet and shy in public and in general have to keep a lot to myself out of fear such as my degrees and other things I can't write here (I can talk in person given the exchanges I have had with Beyond Chai, I am "beyond impressed" lol, but have had radically different treatment online vs in person. I who raised me with still affects me today and being placed in a society that was equally resentful (not everyone Al hamdu lillah) is something I would like someone to be understanding of. Most of my friends were American, Chinese or Japanese. In sha Allah, Allah will give me the best. It is very hard to keep saying me again and again. 

I would do my best to provide a happy home for a partner and I believe in love. I love to make someone smile and laugh and do things for them all the time, I am the one that remembers birthdays and little details to make someone feel loved, I have rarely had this directed towards me but would still continue to be this way.  The person would have to love animals a lot. I talk about and think about Allah and my cat all the time but it is not a requirement for the other person to do so. I would want him at whatever stage of development he is at to have a plan and strategy for reaching those goals.

Here is a list of deal breakers I came up wth:Within a marriage that has met the initial requisites;


( Islam, Hygiene, Health, Education, Emotional and Non -Intelligence, #31, Degree of Personal Power, (power is grounded in self despite intelligence/athletic ability etc) Biographical Data, Financial Strong work ethic/ Emotional Stability, Manners, )


What would be unforgivable within a marriage?


Leaving Islam

A 3rd Party

Something previously not disclosed relating to what was assumed or reasonably assumed

Addictions

Physical extreme verbal abuse (routine cursing)  to my pet or myself



Acts deemed to be unforgivable 

How arguments are resolved: quick with comebacks, put downs, sighs, criticism, blaming when something is brought to attention. Discounting (too sensitive, take things too seriously, Hanging up the phone or something equally rejecting without explanation) “shut up, leave me alone, go away, get out” . 

Making a business decision that adversely affects me

Preferring another ________i.e. Confidant vs. to share with,  other than me. Not putting strangers ahead of me public or private. No close relationships wtih women 

Indifference (even if the result of repeated argumentation)

Lack of Engagement (daily life, when I express joy over X)

Strictly functional in communications

Unwillingness to seek professional counseling

Verbal abuse: countering, diverting, trivializing, name calling, withholding

Lack of empathy, I need to feel heard until I feel heard. 

Physically rejecting

Doesn’t have my back and doesn’t let me know that ( protecting defending takes another side right or wrong)

Invalidating my reality

Competitiveness vs Encouragement / Understanding (+ degree of personal power/ proven ability doesn’t mind my competitiveness)

My Pain: ANY opinion on my reality where emotional pain is concerned is unacceptable. I am best suited to know what helps me resolve conflict, interjecting of what is right or wrong. Not believing, denying, disbelief of what happened, invalidating. 

Does not take responsibility ( housework, saying sorry) has a strong idea that I should do anything in general. Accountable and prioritizes marriage over other activities. 

Argumentative: feelings thoughts experiences

Continuous negative assumptions where conversations become difficult, contradictory (the sun is out! Well technically its not out because xyz)

No effort to date to make me feel special, try to make me laugh or please me, taken for granted, being treated like a roommate, treating strangers better

Judging where I’m at and unwilling to accept my level of emotional development and not trusting my ability to do my best

Overly concerned with the personal lives of others, addicted to drama, not content with our personal life, 

Ignores personal boundaries thinks trivial if i say don’t throw out something but it looks like garbage

Forgets without taking measures to prevent it - writing it down etc. 

Willfully dismissive and not wanting to hear about my past 

Using my past against me 

Accepting my reasons for being unable to do things - subway, crowds, sun, odors, music, constant television, reality television, 

 an attitude that we are equals { because I’ve appeared to do xyz (physical exertion, putting together furniture,] has a “do it yourself” attitude

Threaten divorce; believes love is a feeling and if its not their something is amiss. 

Says no, instead of will consider or think about it and/or is gentle in doing so

Lying to protect me might be acceptable (giant roach killed on the DL)

Any unfavorable comments on how I age or appearance - does not work towards - in dress or manner /physically appearing well for me. 

overvaluing appearance enough so he acts out in any way that would affect his behavior including intentionally treating an exceptionally attractive woman with fear or anger or anxiety or noticing something about her that now warrants a discussion- physical agitation. Doesn’t lower his gaze