FOR BEYONDHCAI'S EYES ONLY

OVERVIEW

While I’d like to think I’m taking this process quite seriously, I do not want to give the wrong impression and make you think that I take myself too seriously. If you get to know me, you will find that I am in fact very carefree, humorous, sarcastic, articulate, expressive, and wholesome. I can find interest in anything and everything and never really plan anything out. With that said, here are the basics: I was born in New York and raised in New Jersey and I currently live in Maryland as I am a PhD student in pharmaceutical sciences. I consider myself to be a moderately practicing Muslim, and I am ethnically Bengali. I am an only child and both my parents are pharmaceutical scientists in the pharmaceutical industry. I’ve played sports my entire life and being fit and healthy is a big part of who I am. I was raised to be very well-rounded and this encouraged me to pursue many interests to keep life interesting. Since I could remember, I played soccer and in high school I ran track and also played some football. I played the tabla until college and was a Boy Scout and completed my Eagle project. I was also on my high school debate team. I love all kinds of music and have been to and still go to a lot of concerts. Education was of utmost importance in my family, and you will see that by their accomplishments. While I consider myself to be a mediocre student, my goals in life are ambitious and I wish to accomplish a lot in my career and everything else I pursue. I also do not equate ‘being educated’ to holding countless degrees. More recently, I have taken up painting, cooking, weightlifting and fitness to stay healthy and maintain a physique that makes me feel good. I love to read anything and everything related to art, culture, politics, current events, and anything else that interests me- mostly nonfiction. I enjoy dressing nicely when I can afford it, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care a little about my appearance. 

RELIGION

I would like to think that given my upbringing, I am truly moderate in my religious beliefs and a very balanced Muslim. I pray 3-5x a day and admittedly there may be days that I miss prayer all together. However, I don’t think practice is a gauge of how religious or spiritual someone is, as such terms are very relative. I attended Islamic Sunday School until college, and approaching religion intellectually as a student of the faith and applying it to my life accordingly is important to me. I am very principled in how I approach religion and I do question and research until I find an answer I am satisfied with. Nonetheless, I do not berate, scold, judge, impose, or even alienate those who do not make the same religious/lifestyle choices as me. This is very important to mention because my social circle is mostly not Muslim. I live with and have lived with non-Muslim roommates. Recently I have performed Umrah on my own. I have been told on more than one occasion that I often surprise people with my knowledge of Islam, knowledge and practice of some Sunnah, and my fundamental beliefs. I do not let my approach to religion get clouded by any traditional customs in my culture. I am constantly trying to improve and I'd be lying if I said that my deen doesn't fluctuate. But I always return to the Almighty. I don’t drink or smoke, and intend to be abstinent until marriage. I also don’t exclusively eat Zabiha meat. I sometimes cleanly shave my face, I don’t wear my pants above my ankles, I freely talk to girls, and I don’t tell them how to dress or to wear the Hijab. My mother is the most pious woman I know and she doesn’t wear a Hijab. 

VIEWS ON WOMEN

My father is the youngest of 10 siblings and among them are 7 sisters. These aunts and their daughters have raised me and how I view women is largely impacted by who they are. Beginning with my oldest aunt, who was the first Bengali Muslim woman to be a physicist for NASA, every single woman in my family younger than her is extremely accomplished and has reached the height of very accomplished and ambitious careers. Alongside my mother, these females have served as role models for me and it is because of them and how the men in my family treat them that I have subconsciously adopted many feminist beliefs. My mother has worked her entire life as a research scientist in the pharmaceutical industry and was an equal contributor to the household finances and decisions as my father.  Seeing my mother and seeing how my father has treated my mother, I do not believe it is simply the wife’s job to cook, clean, and raise children as my father did these things as well- sometimes even better. Nor is it exclusively a man’s job to pay the mortgage, do the landscaping, and fix the plumbing because these are also things that my mother did as well- sometimes even better. I respect a woman who has career goals of her own and finds dignity in having her own independence from the men in her life. Women should not be told how to dress, what their roles are, or how to behave. Every woman should have their own individuality and should be appreciated or reprimanded for who they are as a person and not because of their gender. I don’t think these views are at odds with Islam as it is Islam that has granted women many of these rights. Fatema Mernissi once wrote: “If women’s rights are a problem for some modern Muslim men, it is neither because of the Quran nor the Prophet, nor the Islamic tradition, but simply because those rights conflict with the interests of a male elite.” I have included this section to sincerely inform you of the type of women in my family and how it has impacted my approach to marriage. I have been exposed to plenty of Muslim households and prospects for marriage who do not hold these ideals and adopt a more culturally traditional role of women and they were therefore incompatible with me. While the idea of feminism, independence, and female empowerment are music to their ears, from my experience dating in the Muslim community, many women from traditional Muslim households are actually not ready for it.

FAMILY INVOLVEMENT

I am the only child to very loving parents who are very contemporary in their religious and cultural ideals and values. While I have very strong family values, I live separately from my parents and am completely independent in my lifestyle. Even though I don’t have any siblings, some of my closest cousins have been huge influences in my life and it is from their lives along with my own parents that I draw my views on marriage and relationships as they have created a very healthy family atmosphere for me.  While my family is indeed a big part of who I am, experience and self-awareness has shown me that they do not forcibly try to meddle or influence in my decision-making but are only supportive in my choices.

WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR

I’m looking for a girl who is first and foremost kind and generous. Not nice. Anyone can be nice. I'm looking for someone who will support my pursuits and will allow me to do the same for her. I find intelligence and confidence more attractive than anything and I think someone who has great ambitions for herself is awesome. With that said, I do not have any requirements for race/ethnicity, culture, profession, or hijabi/non-hijabi. I find all kinds of ethnicities attractive. I understand that many people say this, and then when things get serious, things do not end up working out because the parents are not comfortable with their child marrying outside of their culture. My parents and I are on the same page about marrying somebody outside of our culture. It has happened many times in my family already with my older cousins. It is important that her parents also have this open-minded and progressive mentality and do not try to impose their cultural customs (outside of Islam) on the courting or marital process.

Additionally, I am not looking for someone who will cook, clean, and interior decorate for me. My mother doesn’t even do these things for me as I am completely self-sufficient and can take care of myself. Similarly, I too would like someone who is independent in their lifestyle, lives on their own separately from their family, and knows what its like to be independent from her parents in her decision-making and her judgment. This is key as I am this way as well. This does not mean that she lacks family values or is disrespectful to her parents or that her parents will not be involved in the process at all. But it does mean having an understanding that marriage means she has a responsibility of making decisions on her own and with her husband for her own family. She should show signs of this level of independence prior to getting married. I also want a woman who is serious about having a dual-income household. It doesn’t matter what her profession is, but what does matter is that she has goals to do well in it and finds dignity in contributing to the household with her husband. If anything were to happen to me, I don’t want my children to depend on anyone but their mother.

Lastly, and quite importantly, I must mention that I would prefer to be matched with a girl that I have an attraction towards. This is subjective I know, and it is for this reason I should mention some physical preferences. I am attracted to girls who take fitness and their physiques seriously. In fact, going to the gym together is something I can’t wait to do with my spouse since it is something I enjoy and hope she does too. She does not have to be a body builder or fitness model, but someone who takes care of her body and has a slim/athletic build is strongly preferred. I only ask this because I do the same myself. I prefer someone of height 5’3”-5’11”. I also love it when a girl is fashionable and also cares about her appearance. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

From my experience with other matchmaking services, and my exposure to local Muslim communities, I have noticed that the qualities I am seeking are most prevalent in ‘non-traditional’ girls. I understand this is contradictory because marrying a guy like me might be a ‘traditional’ move for such girls. Nonetheless, I see myself as a ‘non-traditional’ guy, who is more Americanized in his customs than ‘traditional’ and has kept the door open to finding a similarly Americanized Muslim girl. It is for this reason I have decided to give beyondchai a try.

I would like to conclude by mentioning that I am not getting married for the sake of getting married. Marriage is something I would take very seriously and am fully aware that it requires work. I am getting married to share my happiness with someone else. If there are any remaining questions or concerns that require elaboration, please feel free to ask. I am willing to be 110% transparent as I think that is required when two people consider each other for marriage as long as confidentiality is maintained.