Many couples come into counseling saying that they have realized they are just not compatible. One or both partners, but usually the woman, says that these areas of incompatibility are making the relationship hopeless. However, from my experience, there are usually not too many dealbreaker areas of incompatibility in a marriage. But there are some. Here are the five areas of incompatibility that can weaken your relationship. If you\u2019re currently single or dating, this is an important post for you too, as you can be sure to assess your relationship in terms of compatibility in these domains before choosing to marry or have children with a partner.<\/p>\n
This is a very important one. It can be very difficult to move forward if, for example, a man thinks that a woman\u2019s \u201cjob\u201d is to be a wife and mother, and that his role is to be a breadwinner, and his wife wants to work full time outside the home. Often, women will say, \u201cHe just wants a woman like his mom, and I never thought that was the case when we were dating.\u201d Just as frequently, men say, \u201cI thought she wanted to keep working, but it seems she expects me to support her while she stays home with the kids. I didn\u2019t have any idea she wanted that.\u201d Often, couples do not explicitly discuss what each partner thinks about gender roles prior to marriage (particularly as they apply to division of labor when parenting), so each partner feels hoodwinked and disappointed.<\/p>\n
Usually, each partner\u2019s attitude about gender roles stems from early childhood experiences and observations of their own parents. If compatibility or compromise is to be reached on these issues, it often requires insight-oriented therapy to examine assumptions about gender, including where they came from and how they are currently hurting or helping your relationship.<\/p>\n
2. The importance of sex<\/strong><\/p>\n Note that I don\u2019t say \u201cequal sex drives,\u201d because, especially in long-term monogamy, and double especially after kids, men usually have much higher sex drives than their wives. However, couples that really struggle have one partner who just doesn\u2019t think that sex is a big deal, and one who thinks it\u2019s essential for closeness. In two marriages where the wife\u2019s libido is next to nil, the one where this fact bothers the wife will be much happier than the one where the wife is not at all concerned. Check these guys\u2019 stories out for validation of this.<\/p>\n If you are the partner with the lower sex drive, the least helpful thing you can say is, \u201cIt\u2019s just sex! It\u2019s not a big deal!\u201d And if you\u2019re the partner with the higher sex drive, the least helpful thing to say is, \u201cWithout sex, we\u2019re like roommates.\u201d Both of these statements invalidate the other person\u2019s entire worldview. Empathy and validation are key in coming to an understanding in this arena.<\/p>\n