really<\/em> is (\u201cfor realz, bro\u201d), and we\u2019ve been to seminars that teach us the fiqh of love while others teach us the fiqh of staying together for the sake of the kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\nSo instead of reinventing the marriage wheel, I\u2019m going to point out some the weaknesses of the \u201cmarriage models\u201d we all hold dear. Be prepared to get a little uncomfortable; maybe you\u2019ve been struggling all this time to implement them and what I\u2019m going to tell you will invalidate your efforts. Nothing can invalidate your efforts; whatever effort you put in has, insh\u0101\u2019All\u0101h, brought you and your spouse some benefit. Consider my insights instead as a way to keep your marital compass meticulously aligned. Also of note, these models apply to healthy\/normal marriages that are not abusive, physically or emotionally. If you feel you are in an abusive situation, it is important to immediately seek professional help and intervention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here comes the list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marriage Model Number 1<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI\u2019ll meet your needs and you meet mine\u201d (i.e. the Islamic golden hit, \u201cRights and Responsibilities of Husbands and Wives\u201d halaqa\/seminar\/khutbah).<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nThis model has its value for sure. From it we get a shari\u2019 understanding of marriage: who provides what to whom, what behavior encroaches on our spouse\u2019s \u201crights\u201d, what behavior is considered sinful, what we can expect from them, etc. All important information, no doubt. After all, the shar\u012b\u2018ah should be the foundation of our marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Beyond that, this model wants us to understand that our partner is different from us and we have to learn to love them through their \u201clove language\u201d i.e. \u201cmeet their needs\u201d with an understanding of what those needs actually are. We usually really get focused on gender here; men want sex, women want emotional connection, right? (I\u2019m joking; both men and women want both of these things). This model tells us that we need to meet our spouse\u2019s needs to keep them happy\/fulfilled\/satisfied (and married to us LOL).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But there are pitfalls. Firstly, centering our marriage on meeting each other\u2019s needs often makes us two very needy<\/em> people. That\u2019s not very attractive. Often times we end up getting whiny, passive-aggressive, angry, crabby, etc. that our \u201cneeds\u201d are not being met; and all we can do is hope to punish this person with our relationship belly-aching until they finally hear loud and clear, \u201cHey, you\u2019re doing a lousy job meeting my needs!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhen was the last time you felt attracted to someone who did that to you? When was the last time someone nagged you or yelled at you and you felt like you wanted to connect with them intimately (emotionally or sexually)? Probably never. Yet without realizing it this is how we are \u201cworking\u201d to get the results we want in our marriages.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another pitfall in this model is score-keeping. We withhold love\/sex\/affection\/help because we feel like the \u201cscore\u201d is out of balance. To complicate matters further, each spouse has their own personal scoreboard of the marriage that\u2019s completely left to their own biased umpire-ship. Spouses withhold giving (or they do it without a lot of annoyed sighing) when they believe or perceive their spouse is doing too much taking without putting the same effort back in. Here\u2019s an example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Husband thinking: Didn\u2019t I take her out to dinner, and now she\u2019s going to say she\u2019s too tired? (husband +1, wife -1)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nWife thinking: The evening was lousy because he put it together last-minute even though I reminded him for a week to make a reservation at a nice place. (wife +1, husband -1)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nAnother mistake we make in the religious crowd with this model is we boil down our marriage to a cookie-cutter-one-size-fits-all theoretical needs-meeting fiqh dilemma. \u201cYa shaykh, whose takes precedence in making her happy, my mom or my wife?\u201d How many times have we heard this question, and we all know the answer. Many years ago my husband asked Shaykh Yaser Birjas, \u201cShaykh, if I have to choose to make one happy, who do I choose, my mom or my wife?\u201d The shaykh gave a very wise answer: you have to make both happy (you won\u2019t believe how far that advice has gotten my husband today).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In other words, we can\u2019t get hung up on a hard and fast fiqhi answer, because it often ends up with someone being the \u201cwinner\u201d and someone else being the \u201closer.\u201d Like the shaykh said, we need to create more win-win situations. Our marriages cannot be sliced and diced to fit compartmentally into a fatwa. We may be doing the \u201cright\u201d thing, but our spouse may be building up resentment that will harm us both later on. We need to be a little more creative and practical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To sum up, the major issue with this model is that ultimately needs-meeting keeps us \u201cother\u201d focused rather than self-focused; our behavior \u201cwaits\u201d on our spouse\u2019s and we try to conjure it out of them in all the wrong ways. If we want to try to change our marriages for the better, we must start by changing ourselves, because changing yourself is the easiest, fastest, and most dependable method of change there is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If our marriage isn\u2019t too great, we had something to do with it.\u00a0 We all co-created our marriages and there are definitely things we all can do to become better spouses.\u00a0 As Muslims we should view our \u201chalf\u201d of the marriage as ultimately a commitment to Allah, not to an individual.\u00a0 We fulfill a promise we made before Allah to be a husband\/wife and if that promise is too heavy, we should get help. One day we will be accountable for only ourselves before Allah for our marriage, so the only one we should think about \u201ckeeping score\u201d with is Allah.\u00a0 We don\u2019t want to \u201close points\u201d with our Lord just because our spouse is.\u00a0 Being an adult means we act as we do on our own principles and taqwa, not as a reaction to someone else\u2019s behavior. \u00a0Believe it or not when we act out of principle, our spouse will begrudgingly respect us, and may even make their own changes for the better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marriage Model Number 2<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
We need to rethink (brace yourself) \u2018I want to live happily ever after.\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nLet me warn you, this will be a little weird. This is not going to be the auntie\/uncle talk about how fairy tales are a sham and there really is no happily ever after. I disagree, I do think there is a happily ever after, and if you get there, I think you\u2019re doing a lot better than most people who are stuck in unhappily ever after. But here\u2019s the hard truth, and it\u2019s so jarring I\u2019m going to give it its own paragraph:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Happily ever after gets boring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Allow me to explain. Let\u2019s pretend you like rom-coms because we know we all do (even you, bro). We want a little spice, a little romance, a little magical ting<\/em>; this is part of the human experience we all crave. For all it\u2019s dissed by many elders in our community, we still have a Bollywood industry spending millions of dollars reminding us that we all want a romantic happily ever after (and the haters are the first ones sitting and watching).<\/p>\n\n\n\nSo if that\u2019s the elusive dream we all seek, then let me ask you this, why do stories always end at the moment happily ever after begins? The \u201cjust married\u201d car drives away or we attend the shaadi and dance some bhangra, then what? Do we follow them through their \u201chappy\u201d daily lives? (*snore*). We don\u2019t, but we\u2019ll certainly tune back in when a little conflict shows up, like when someone threw Joey in with Ross and Rachel. Maybe in the sequel some guy at the girl\u2019s job gets a crush on her, or maybe the dude meets some old flame. Actually, love triangles keep people hanging on in a story way longer than happily ever afters. Because that magical ting <\/em>we get is the ting<\/em> of uncertainty<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nSo am I telling you the secret to stoking passion is uncertainty (not security or trust)? Yes, that\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m saying. Security and trust are important (duh), and most of us know that; you won\u2019t find anyone saying your spouse needs to feel insecure or distrustful, so please don\u2019t misquote me, trust and security are essential. So what am I saying? I\u2019m saying that in longer-term marriages, sexual desire becomes lethargic when our marriage feels too much like a warm, cozy security blanket (in fact just today, as I was editing this article, I found an article by a therapist saying this). What keeps passion alive past the honeymoon phase is a little thrill, a little angst, a little conflict, a little uncertainty, a little ting<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nEver heard of the seven year-itch? It\u2019s when the dreaded \u201csecond-wife\u201d phase may actually land some dude on a matrimonial site (and yes, women get itches, too). It\u2019s when happy couples finally get tired of that \u201cwarm blanket\u201d feeling in their marriage. They start to get restless and want a little tension breathed back into their cozy, predictable, sleepy security-blanket lives. It\u2019s when they want to throw the blanket off and smart with a tingling chill that gives them a dangerous shiver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So what\u2019s the solution? We know it\u2019s definitely not infidelity (but that is an unfortunate place some people end up when they wonder why \u201chappily ever after\u201d feels so blah). The solution for the vast majority of marriages is rocking the boat with newfound authenticity and intimacy; bring the ting<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nMany of us get so comfortable that we don\u2019t want to reveal our deeper (sometimes darker) selves to our spouse because we don\u2019t want to face rejection, disapproval, or anger. Things are just so cozy, why even say anything? Why reveal some fantasy or change things up in the bedroom? At least you\u2019re still having sex right? What if you told your spouse that you have a difficult time feeling attracted to them when they don\u2019t take care of themselves? You\u2019d be a jerk to voice your feelings about that, wouldn\u2019t you? What if you tell your spouse you feel so disconnected from them because of a certain behavior, that you\u2019ve felt tempted to look at other people, that would make you a terrible person right? What if you tell your spouse you want to focus less on the kids and more on each other, that makes you a monster child-neglecter for sure, doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If we don\u2019t start saying these things (in the most loving way possible) they will eventually catch up to us in all the wrong ways. Our marriages need to keep growing and changing. We need to open up without blaming each other, and if things get a little tense, all the better; the heat generated by the friction of authenticity will find its way to the right place if<\/em> people can be mature about handling the original discussion in question.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThus, we need to make our partner feel safe to share (here\u2019s where trust and security come in) the things that make them feel uncertain about you\/themselves\/the relationship. So the first thing we can do is ask and offer to listen. Just ask your spouse, \u201cTell me something about yourself you\u2019ve always been afraid to tell me.\u201d Or start by telling your spouse your fantasies even if you worry they will reject them. If something is bothering you, be authentic (and supportive) in sharing your thoughts, even if you don\u2019t think it will be welcomed, and offer to hear what they have to say about you<\/em>. Then act on it, even if it feels a little strange (you can have a \u201csafe\u201d word). Real happily ever after is happy with a twist; with a little unpredictability, with a little risk, with a little tension, an exhilarating ting <\/em>of uncertainty to balance out the safety. That doesn\u2019t just happen, it is created.<\/p>\n\n\n\nAnd now for a word on polygyny because it is a way many men will go looking for the\u00a0ting<\/em>.\u00a0 Here is my honest two cents, take it or leave it.\u00a0 I actually believe poly is a legit way to bring the\u00a0ting<\/em>.\u00a0 Unfortunately, like so many issues (but I shall remain mum), we\u2019ve made poly a man\u2019s plan exclusively.\u00a0 The only time we say a woman can ever want it is when we get noble and have that community-service attitude.\u00a0 So poly is either for men and it\u2019s about their \u201cnature\u201d and \u201chigher sex drive\u201d or its about \u201cwidows\/divorcees\u201d and \u201ctimes of war\u201d.\u00a0 I really find it hard to believe that not only would Allah allow, but also make the sunnah, something that served only one gender emotionally and sexually and served the other in an exceptional community-service kind of way.<\/p>\n\n\n\nI think polygyny offers a lot of ting<\/em>, but what I think kills the ting is how terribly it is implemented by most people. When a woman gets blindsided by it, or doesn\u2019t have time to adapt to the idea first, and mentally\/emotionally explore it, it goes from ting<\/em> to electrocution very quickly because there is too much uncertainty<\/em>. Suddenly one wife, or even both wife and husband, miss the security blanket of their monogamous marriage because the marriage(s) no longer feels safe in a way marriage needs to.<\/p>\n\n\n\nPoly-ting<\/em> (yes, I made that up and I\u2019m not good at political correctness) can only happen in a scenario where everyone is consensual, comfortable and confident. You can only have healthy poly-ting<\/em>, the natural enjoyable \u201cuncertainty\u201d of poly, if both wives have adequate (preferably burgeoning) self-esteem (which is why going behind her back about it is the fastest way to ruin that). If a woman doesn\u2019t have enough self-esteem, sharing her husband with another woman is just too uncertain. Will she be replaced? Is she still desired as much? Does he still love her as much? Is she as valuable as the other wife? All those questions will become heavy and depressing to a woman who cannot answer them all to herself everyday with confidence. She has to still feel completely safe and secure in her own marriage. But if you do it all right (consensual, comfortable, confident), poly can give both husbands and wives that ting<\/em> and it can be win-win. Certain elements of poly that we think of as painful (and yes they are painful at high levels) can bring the ting<\/em> at low levels (and that includes jealousy, as long as its friendly).<\/p>\n\n\n\nAnd now the final model we need to think about (if you\u2019re a bro just take a few minutes to breath out the poly discussion and now try to focus).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marriage Model Number 3<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
You Complete Me\/\u201dTwo Become One\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Prophet\u00a0(PBUH)\u00a0said marriage is half our deen, but he didn\u2019t say\u00a0our spouse<\/em>\u00a0is half our deen (which meant we were incomplete without them and would be again should they ever not be there). Allow me to explain.<\/p>\n\n\n\nObviously marriage is full of compromises and finding middle-ground. Or at least, it should be. If someone is blotting themselves out to keep their marriage happy (and yes, men can fall into a \u201cyes-dear\u201d attitude, too) then this marriage is not going to stay healthy for very long.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marriage is always made of two individuals, and the shariah acknowledges this by respecting \u2018urf, or the custom\/culture of both the parties involved during the nikkah and throughout their married years. No one person needs to adopt the identity of their partner or basically become a ghost of their former selves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This \u201cwe must become one\u201d mentality is usually coupled with being emotionally needy. In other words someone who believes that we must sacrifice our individuality, our endeavors, our habits, our social lives, i.e. that which makes us different from each other, so we can more cohesively meet each other\u2019s needs, is really just dangerously self-centered. In other words, this person believes \u201cyou become more like me and give up all those distracting things so you can focus on my needs better.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Talk about needing to be the center of attention! This is the guy who needs his wife to be his 24\/7 lady-in-waiting\/servant and the woman who needs her husband to be \u201cwhipped.\u201d These people, in truth, are very insecure that they will \u201close\u201d their partner somehow or be replaced by some other person\/thing, so they keep a short leash on them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s the thing, the happiest marriages are made of two individuals who have some stuff in common (the important things), but have a good amount of differences. They may read different things, have different hobbies, hang out with different people. This keeps our marriage fresh. It gives us that little space away from each other, even if it\u2019s just a mental or emotional space. It does not mean our spouse needs a break from us because we\u2019re lame or boring. Space also allows us to miss each other and rekindle when we close the gap, which gives us the ting<\/em>. Differences cast off the warm blanket when we rejoice in those differences.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe key here is to not feel threatened. Being too close is just as toxic as being too distant. We want just the right amount of space, and we can\u2019t get that if we\u2019re marital Siamese twins. We should encourage each other to go out and pursue things specific to each of us and tell the other about it without needing them to be involved. We should enable our spouses to pursue their personal passions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On a final note, you will notice that none of this advice is gender-specific and everything applies equally to both men and women.\u00a0 Personally, I think we\u2019re doing ourselves a disservice by making marital advice gender-specific.\u00a0 No doubt there are gender differences that impact marriage (obviously marriage has to be gender-different!) but too many times marriage talks turn into a battle of the sexes.\u00a0 In my humble opinion, most problems in marriages don\u2019t come from not understanding gender-differences but instead\u00a0focusing too much on them<\/em>.\u00a0 I think if we instead focus on being mature adults who put our deen first and our egos second, we\u2019ll be in a much better place.\u00a0 May Allah bless all our marriages and protect our families and make us the best spouses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Published\u00a0October 6, 2014By\u00a0Olivia Kompier Source: https:\/\/muslimmatters.org\/2014\/10\/06\/3-marriage-models-we-need-to-rethink We\u2019ve all read those articles, \u201c50 Ways to Make Your Husband\/Wife Happy\u201d, \u201c7 Ways to a Great Marriage\u201d, \u201c11 Ways to Survive Marriage and Not Get Bored to Death\u201d. We\u2019ve had our elders hand us pearls of wisdom (and unsolicited advice), had our peers tell us how being married really is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3215,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120,321],"tags":[1152,1154,444,1147],"class_list":["post-3307","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","category-for-singles","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-marriage","tag-relationship","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3307","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3307"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3307\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3308,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3307\/revisions\/3308"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3215"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3307"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3307"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3307"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}