Sunnah<\/em> of the Messenger (PBUH) in a marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\nPeople are different; men and women are different. What makes one person feel loved will not necessarily make another person feel loved. By nature, we tend to express love to others in a way we wish to they would express love to us. When our spouse does not respond positively to our expressions of love, we get frustrated. The problem is not the sincerity of our love or that we do not love our spouse; the problem is that we are speaking the wrong love language. If we speak our own language but nor our mate\u2019s, we will invariably fail to communicate our emotions and feelings properly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the marriage context (in particular) people express their love for their spouse, for example, through complementing their spouse \u2013 through words of affirmation. Others confirm their love through acts of devotions or services to their spouses. Others show their love through spending time with their spouses \u2013 giving them their undivided attention. Others express their love for their spouses through buying gifts. And others demonstrate their love through sexual intimacy and physical touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Everyone has a primary and secondary love language. Some people, for example, desire words of affirmation from their spouse more than anything else and that is their main method of receiving and expressing love. This does not mean they do not require quality time and the physical touch; however, this is what makes them click and shine. The inability of a person not understanding their spouse\u2019s love languages can be devastating to a marriage. It is like a person speaking to you in Chinese while you do not know how to even say hello in that language! If you speak the same language you will be able to communicate, express and demonstrate your feelings and needs to that person directly and noticeably.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The five \u2018love languages\u2019 have been introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his New York Times best seller \u2018The Five Love Languages\u2019, which has sold over 5 million copies in America and has been translated in over 37 languages. In this book, he elucidates how people express and receive love. After contemplation and studying couples, he says, he realized that people universally fall in these five love languages. He explains how people can identify their primary love language and how best to express that in the various contexts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Below are some reflections from the Sunnah<\/em> on how the Prophet (PBUH) demonstrated his love to his wives based around the five love languages presented by the author. Of course the love languages are not limited to the five mentioned by the author. There are more than five but these are the fundamental and the most basic ones, which all races and people understand. There also are within these five love languages various dialects.<\/p>\n\n\n\nBefore we continue, I would like to insert a disclaimer. Some people may be wondering why we as Muslims should refer to or even read books from non-Muslims. The reply is simple and obvious. We benefit and take good from wherever it comes from. The Prophet (PBUH) is reported to have said, \u201cWisdom is the lost property of the believer; wherever he finds it he has the right to take it.\u201d (Ibn M\u0101jah). This \u1e25ad\u012bth<\/em> is weakened by some scholars; however, the meaning is sound and can be used at this instance. In addition, this topic is a human concern and is not just limited to Muslims. We learn these from human experiences and empirical evidences. The proceeding thoughts are a summary of some of the ways the Prophet (PBUH) expressed his love for his wives. It is hoped that this will be a reminder for some and learning for others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n1. Words of Affirmation \u2013 Express Your Feelings Verbally:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nThe words we use to express our appreciation and love for our spouse is of paramount importance in our endeavor to a blissful marriage. It is using words to affirm the other person. Sometimes complementing your spouse on how well she looks, or saying thank you after he has taken the garbage out, or complimenting the wife\u2019s cooking (even though this particular dish is not to your taste buds. It is allowed in Islam!), helps to achieve that goal. It could be a written word \u2013 by writing a letter, or e-mail, text, Facebook, Twitter. There are many ways this can be accomplished. For some people, and I have observed this primarily in women, this is the best thing a husband can do for his wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If your spouse\u2019s primary love language is words of affirmation, your spoken praise and appreciation will fall like rain parched soil. Before long, you will see new life sprouting in your marriage as your spouse responds to your words of love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Prophet (PBUH) was once asked by \u2018Amr b. al-\u2018\u0100\u1e63, \u201cO Messenger of All\u0101h, who do you love most?\u201d The Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) replied, \u201c\u2018\u0100\u2019ishah.\u201d \u2018Amr then asked, \u201cAnd amongst the men,\u201d The Prophet then said, \u201cHer Father.\u201d (Bukh\u0101ri)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He showed his love even in her absence. SubhanAll\u0101h! Note how the Prophet (PBUH) said, \u201cher father,\u201d and related the answer back to his beloved even though he was asked about whom he loved most among the men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He would praise his wife in front of other people. The Prophet (PBUH) said that value of \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah (may All\u0101h be pleased with her) among women was the same value of thar\u012bd<\/em> (bread soaked in soup) compared to other foods. (Muslim).<\/p>\n\n\n\nHe declares his love for his wife openly. The Prophet (PBUH) said about Khad\u012bjah (may All\u0101h be pleased with her) \u201cI have been given her love.\u201d (Muslim). And many other such narrations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He was softly spoken. He would not censure his wives nor did he ever raise his voice or his hands. Kind words penetrate and leave an unforgettable mark that transcends anything else. This is why the wives of the Prophet all said that they would not want to spend their time with anyone else except the Prophet (PBUH).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Prophet\u2019s love for \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah was so well known that even after his death the salaf<\/em> who took a\u1e25ad\u012bth<\/em> from \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah would say: \u201c\u2018\u0100\u2019ishah al-\u1e63idd\u012bqah<\/em> bint<\/em> al-\u1e63idd\u012bq<\/em>, \u1e24abibat<\/em> al-\u1e24abib<\/em> narrated to me that\u2026\u201d Anas b. M\u0101lik stated, \u201cThe first love we knew of in Islam, was the love of Mu\u1e25ammad (PBUH) and \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nIt also important to, occasionally, tell your spouse that you love them. Many people, for some reason or another, find it difficult to say \u2018I love you\u2019. Not because they do not love their spouse but perhaps it is the way they have been brought up or that they are following the status quo \u2013 that it is not manly to express your love for your wife. On the contrary, in Islam, this is the basis of chivalry and manhood as taught by the beloved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2. Acts of Service \u2013 Show Your Love Through Actions:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nEver heard the saying \u201cactions speak louder than words\u201d? Using words to express your love for your spouse is not the only way; we should prove that we love our spouse through our actions as well as speech.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One of the ways of showing your spouse love is beautifying yourself for them. Ibn \u2018Abb\u0101s would always brush his hair and make sure his appearance is pleasing before entering his home, he would say, \u201cJust as I would like my wife to beautiful for me, I like to look beautiful for her.\u201d (Tirmidhi). One can take part in beautifying their spouse; they can brush their spouse\u2019s hair, and apply perfume on them just as \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah used to do for All\u0101h\u2019s Messenger (PBUH). \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah (may All\u0101h be pleased with her) reported: \u201cWhen the messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) was in the mosque he put his head in to my place and I combed his hair.\u201d (Muslim)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Prophet (PBUH) was described by his wife that \u2018he was in the service of his family\u2019 (Bukh\u0101ri). In other narrations, they explained that he used to help in the house. He would sew his own clothes, sweep the floor, repair his shoes, service himself (without asking his wives), etc.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Acts of service can be for instance taking the garbage out, cleaning the dishes, ironing the clothes for your spouse. Helping the wife in the kitchen once in a while. I have to emphasize the word \u2018help\u2019. It does not mean he becomes the cook and she helps! Unless the responsibilities have changed. And there is nothing wrong with the husband cooking for the family once in a while, is there?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One of the most important things is that one is clean so that their spouse is not repulsed by them, the Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) said, \u201cVerily All\u0101h is pure and loves the pure, is clean and loves the clean, is beneficent and loves the beneficent, is generous and loves the generous.\u201d In another narration, the Prophet (PBUH) described purity as being a part of faith.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If acts of service is your spouse\u2019s primary love language, nothing will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally than simple acts of service.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3. Receiving Gifts:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n\u2018In every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if you love someone, you will give to him or her. What many people do not understand is that for some people, receiving gifts is their primary love language. It is the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. If you are married to someone whose primary love language is gift giving, you will make your spouse feel loved and treasured by giving gifts on birthdays, holidays (Eids), anniversaries, and \u201cno occasion\u201d days. The gifts need not be expensive or elaborate; it\u2019s the thought that counts. Even something as simple as a homemade card or a few cheerful flowers will communicate your love to your spouse. Little things mean a lot to many people.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018\u0100\u2019ishah (may All\u0101h be pleased with her) said, \u201cThe people were waiting for \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah\u2019s (may All\u0101h be pleased with her) day to give their gifts, wanting by this to please the Prophet (PBUH).\u201d (Muslim)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
4. Quality Time \u2013 Give Your Undivided Attention:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nIt is extremely important that a couple enjoy quality time with one another, especially after having children. This time can be used to learn more about one another\u2019s likes and dislikes, or the time can be spent engaging in activities and hobbies that the couple enjoy together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The passion in most marriages dies out after a few years due to the lack of quality time alone. Some may make the excuse that they do not find enough time, but this quality time can be even only an hour; you can go out to drink coffee together (alone), or you can go for a walk in the park. We must understand that this element of privacy is essential in order to have a healthy, lively relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is also an important reminder to Islamic workers (du\u2018<\/em>\u0101<\/em>t<\/em> and scholars). Much of their time is spent outside teaching, giving da\u2018wah<\/em>, organizing events etc. Some brothers find it extremely difficult to find the right amount of time to give to their wives due to the great number of commitments they have outside. That is important and needed, but if your spouse is not receiving adequate time every week, then the marriage may start to show some rifts. This has unfortunately happen to many brothers I know to the point that one wife said to her husband, \u201cMay I check your diary so I can book some appointments with you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nTherefore, it is very important to set aside some time for the family. This could be by including family time in your weekly diary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Prophet (PBUH) would allocate time and days to each one of his wives adequately and fairly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
5. Intimacy \u2013 Physical Touch:<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\nIntimacy strengthens the bond and connection between married couples. It is a means by which husband and wife can satisfy their desires. Intimacy is also the means by which one can show their spouse love and affection. This increases the happiness, comfort and security within the marriage. Being intimate does not just refer to sexual intercourse; it also includes kissing, embracing, touching. Both spouses have the duty to be sexually available to one another, and both husband and wife have the right upon their spouse to have their conjugal rights and desires fulfilled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is from the Sunnah<\/em> of All\u0101h\u2019s Messenger (PBUH) to passionately kiss one’s wife. \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah narrates that the Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) would kiss one of his wives and then leave for prayer without performing wu\u1e0d\u016b\u2019<\/em>. \u2018Urwa b. Zubayr (her nephew) says, \u201cI asked \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah, \u2018It must have been you?\u2019 (Upon hearing this) \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah smiled.\u201d (Tirmidhi, Abu D\u0101w\u016bd, Nis\u0101\u2019i)<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhen any of the wives of the Prophet (PBUH) were on their menses, he would make them wrap around their lower body and he would fondle them. The wife of the Prophet (PBUH), Maymunah, said, \u201cThe Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) would be intimate with his wives above the iz\u0101r<\/em> (waist wrapper) when they were menstruating.\u201d (Bukh\u0101ri).<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhen \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah was asked, \u201cWhat was the first thing the Prophet (PBUH) would do when he entered his house?\u201d She said that the first thing he would do was use the miswak<\/em>; the \u2018ulem\u0101\u2019 <\/em>commented on this and said that it was so he could kiss her. (Bukh\u0101ri)<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) would take off his upper garment when he got into bed with one of his wives so that she can feel his skin and thereby feels some sort of intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Imam Ibn al-Qayyim reported that the Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) forbade from engaging in sexual intercourse before foreplay. (Tibb al-Nabawi<\/em>) In a \u1e25ad\u012bth<\/em>, the Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) said, \u201cNot one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal, but let there first be a messenger between you.\u201d \u201cAnd what is that messenger?\u201d they asked, and he replied: \u201cKisses and words.\u201d (Daylami)<\/p>\n\n\n\nJ\u0101bir ibn \u2018Abdull\u0101h narrates: \u201cI was in the company of the messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) in a battle. The Messenger of All\u0101h said to me, \u2018Did you marry?\u2019 I answered, \u2018Yes.\u2019 He said, \u2018A virgin or a non-virgin?\u2019 I said, \u2018A non-virgin.\u2019 The Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) said, \u2018Why not a virgin so that you may play with her and she can play with you?\u2019\u201d (Bukh\u0101ri)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In order to obtain optimal results, each spouse should know what pleases their partner, and this can only be known through communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Entertaining One Another:<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\nThe Messenger of All\u0101h (PBUH) encouraged his followers to play with their wives and entertain them. He said, \u201cEvery game a person plays is futile except for archery, training one\u2019s horse and playing with one\u2019s wife.\u201d (Tirmidhi, Ibn M\u0101jah, A\u1e25mad)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In illustration of this practice, \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah records that on more than one occasion she and the Prophet (PBUH) raced and sometimes she won and sometimes he won. Most men nowadays consider it far beneath their dignity to play any sort of game with their wives, and their marriages are duller and poorer due to this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gentleness and Kindness:<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\nIf we want to know what gentleness is, then we must look at what All\u0101h said about him in the Qur\u2019\u0101n: \u201cAnd we have not sent you except as a mercy to mankind.\u201d (21:107).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Prophet (PBUH) once advised \u2018\u0100\u2019ishah, \u201cThere is not gentleness in anything, except that it becomes more beautiful, and there is not harshness in anything except that it makes it ugly.\u201d All\u0101h says to the Prophet (PBUH) in the Qur\u2019\u0101n: \u201cIt is part of the Mercy of All\u0101h that you did deal gently with them if you had been severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from you.\u201d (3:159).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2018\u0100\u2019ishah narrated that the Prophet (PBUH) never raised his hand to any of his wives or servants. If we look at his marriages we see that he was gentle with all his wives in both speech and action. When a member of his family or a servant of his would call on him, he would reply saying: \u201cLabbayka<\/em>! (at your service).\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Prophet (PBUH) commanded the men to fear All\u0101h regarding women, and to treat them with kindness because they were only made lawful to them through the words of All\u0101h (i.e. the marriage contract). He said, \u201cAnd enjoin on one another goodness towards women; verily they are married to you: you have no power over them at all unless they come in for a flagrantly filthy action; but if they are devoted to you, then seek no way against them. And verily, you have rights over your women, and they have rights over you.\u201d (Tirmidhi).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Finally, a person\u2019s primary love language may be words of affirmation; it does not, however, mean that a spouse only focuses on this. What it means is that he or she should give more importance and priority to this aspect but at the same time he should not neglect other aspects. The spouses should have a comprehensive outlook and prioritize the languages to suit the needs of their spouse. If someone is able to fulfill all of the basic love languages then that is better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So what is your love language?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Published February 14, 2012, By Sh. Abdullah Hasan Source: https:\/\/muslimmatters.org\/2012\/02\/14\/abdullah-hasan-the-five-languages-of-love\/ Love is a quality that all human beings desire to inculcate within themselves. Whether we are husbands, wives, fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, etc. we all desire to love and to be loved. Married or single, every adult has an emotional love tank. When we feel loved by […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3223,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120,321],"tags":[608,1152,1151,1147],"class_list":["post-3222","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","category-for-singles","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3222","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3222"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3222\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3249,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3222\/revisions\/3249"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3223"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3222"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3222"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3222"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}