{"id":3142,"date":"2023-03-05T20:00:04","date_gmt":"2023-03-05T20:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/?p=3142"},"modified":"2023-03-05T20:14:28","modified_gmt":"2023-03-05T20:14:28","slug":"the-truth-about-expectations-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/2023\/03\/05\/the-truth-about-expectations-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"The Truth About Expectations in Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

John Gottman, Ph.D.<\/a><\/a><\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/truth-expectations-relationships\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

By having high (but still realistic) standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you lower your expectations, the argument goes, then you won\u2019t be disappointed by your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is this advice really helpful? Dr. Donald Baucom, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, studied marital expectations for a decade. He found that people get what they expect. People with low expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated poorly, and people with higher expectations tend to be in relationships where they are treated well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By having high (but still realistic) standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want than you are by looking the other way and letting things slide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE \u201cGOOD ENOUGH\u201d RELATIONSHIP<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I encourage couples to strive for the \u201cgood enough\u201d relationship, which sounds like settling for less than the best. Isn\u2019t that contrary to Baucom\u2019s research findings on marital expectations?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Allow me to explain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In a good enough relationship, people have high expectations for how they\u2019re treated. They expect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This doesn\u2019t<\/em> mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict can <\/em>be productive because, when handled in healthy ways, it leads to greater understanding.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

SOLVABLE & UNSOLVABLE PROBLEMS<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We should not expect to solve all our problems in the relationship, either. My Love Lab studies found that almost \u2154 of relationship conflict is perpetual. As Dr. Dan Wile says, \u201cWhen choosing a long-term partner\u2026 you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s unrealistic to expect a relationship to heal childhood wounds, or to become a pathway to spiritual enlightenment or self-actualization. Eli Finkel, a psychology professor at Northwestern University, encourages couples to \u201crecalibrate\u201d their marital expectations for these existential needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

STRENGTHEN YOUR FOUNDATION<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In our empirically-based theory, the\u00a0Sound Relationship House, we describe what couples in the good-enough relationship do and have. These partners are good friends. They honor one another\u2019s dreams, even if they\u2019re different. They trust one another and can manage conflict constructively. That means they can arrive at mutual understanding and get to compromises that work. And they can\u00a0repair effectively\u00a0when they hurt one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Expect that. You deserve it. It\u2019s not unreasonable, and it\u2019s achievable.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

John Gottman, Ph.D. Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/truth-expectations-relationships\/ By having high (but still realistic) standards, you are far more likely to achieve the kind of relationship you want. If you lower your expectations, the argument goes, then you won\u2019t be disappointed by your partner. Is this advice really helpful? Dr. Donald Baucom, a psychology professor at the University […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3145,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120],"tags":[608,1152,1154,1147],"class_list":["post-3142","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-marriage","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3142","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3142"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3142\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3143,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3142\/revisions\/3143"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3145"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3142"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3142"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3142"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}