After the Honeymoon<\/em>: \u201cWhen choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.\u201d However, Dr. Gottman has found that nearly 1\/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe popular approach to conflict resolution, advocated by many marriage therapists, is to put yourself in your partner\u2019s shoes, listen to what they say, and communicate with empathy that you understand their perspective. It\u2019s a decent method if you can do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But most couples can\u2019t. Even\u00a0happily married couples.\u00a0After studying couples for the last 40 years, Dr. John Gottman has recognized that even happy couples do not follow the experts\u2019 rules of communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By studying what these couples did, Dr. Gottman developed a new model for solving your solvable problems in an intimate relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Step 1: Soften Your Start-Up<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How a conversation starts predicts how it will end. Watch how a harsh start-up influences this conversation:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kim: Once again, I come home from work and have to pick up after you. (criticism)<\/em>
Kris: Here we go again. I\u2019m such a slob, right? I clean the kitchen counters all the time.
Kim: Then why do I have to remind you to clean the dishes in the sink or take out the trash? It\u2019s frustrating when our house smells disgusting! Don\u2019t worry about it today. I already did it, or were you too busy browsing Facebook to notice? (contempt)<\/em>
Kris: Hey. Come on. I hate cleaning. I know you do, too. I have an idea. (repair attempt)<\/em>
Kim rolls her eyes. (more contempt)<\/em>
Kris: I think we need some connection. Let\u2019s take a vacation so you can be waited on?
Kim: Seriously? We can\u2019t afford a maid, much less a vacation.<\/p>\n\n\n\nA harsh start-up begins with\u00a0the Four Horsemen\u00a0and\u00a0causes flooding and increased emotional distance that can strain the marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Soft start-ups\u00a0do not contain the Four Horsemen. When a partner starts the conversation gently, it communicates respect and causes both partners to feel positive about themselves and their marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here are some suggestions to ensure your start-up is soft:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
- Take responsibility.<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cI share some responsibility for this\u2026\u201d<\/li>
- Complain without blame and state a positive need.<\/strong>\u00a0\u201cHere\u2019s how I feel\u2026about a specific situation and here\u2019s what I need\u2026\u201d (positive need, not what you don\u2019t need)<\/li>
- Start with \u201cI\u201d instead of \u201cYou.\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0I statements are less critical\u00a0and don\u2019t make the listener as defensive as \u201cyou\u201d statements.<\/li>
- Describe what is happening.<\/strong>\u00a0Don\u2019t judge or blame. Communicate what you see will help your partner from feeling attacked.<\/li>
- Be polite.<\/strong>\u00a0Use \u201cplease\u201d and \u201cI would appreciate it if\u2026\u201d<\/li>
- Be appreciative.<\/strong>\u00a0Recognize what you appreciate in your partner.<\/li>
- Don\u2019t let things build up.<\/strong>\u00a0If you do, it\u2019ll escalate in your mind until you blow-up.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n
The secret to avoiding harsh start-ups is to work on the first four principles in\u00a0The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em>. If your spouse tends to start conflicts harshly, make sure they are feeling known, respected, loved, and that you are willing to accept influence. So\u00a0pay attention to minor bids for connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhen \u201cIt\u2019s your turn to take out the garbage, can you take it out please?\u201d is ignored, your partner\u2019s request may escalate to \u201cWhat is wrong with you? Are you deaf? Take out the garbage.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you go straight for the jugular, you\u2019re going to get either war or retreat on your partner\u2019s part instead of a productive discussion. See how a softened start-up compares.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kim: I feel like our house is a mess and we\u2019re having family over tonight. (describing) I\u2019m angry cause I feel like I am doing all the cleaning by myself. I should have asked sooner (taking responsibility)<\/em>. I need you to help me vacuum the living room? (positive need)<\/em>.
Kris: I understand. I hate cleaning up too and I\u2019d be willing to vacuum and even clean the bathroom for you.
Kim: You\u2019re such a big help. (appreciation)<\/em>. Thank you love. (politeness)<\/em>
Kris: After the family is gone, let\u2019s go out for our favorite ice cream!
Kim: I\u2019m so in!<\/p>\n\n\n\nStep 2: Learn to Send and Receive Repair Attempts<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
When Kris said, \u201cI clean the kitchen counters all the time\u201d Kim could have said, \u201cYou\u2019re right, you do.\u201d Doing this would have been a repair attempt and de-escalated the tension, allowing Kris to be more receptive to finding a solution.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Think of a repair attempt as slamming on the brakes when you see a red light. You do this to avoid a collision that could harm your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The difference between stable,\u00a0emotionally intelligent marriages\u00a0and unhappy ones is not that repair attempts are better, but that the repair attempts get through to the spouse. Repair attempts require two people \u2013 the person offering the repair and one accepting it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Repair attempts often start before a repair is made. It is dependent on the state of the relationship. Happy couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy marriages, even amazing repair attempts fall on deaf ears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sometimes repair attempts seem negative, \u201cThat\u2019s not what we are talking about\u201d or \u201cStop! This is getting out of control.\u201d If your relationship is swimming in an ocean of negativity, repair attempts will be difficult to hear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work<\/em>, Dr. Gottman has a list of repair attempts that may feel unnatural at first but provide you the vocabulary to naturally repair conflict before it harms your marriage. I\u2019d recommend starting with a low-intensity conflict when practicing repair attempts to help you resolve an issue in your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\nStep 3: Soothe Yourself and Each Other<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
In unstable marriages, conflict discussions can lead to flooding, which makes repair attempts physically impossible to hear. If you or your partner feel flooded, take a 20-30 minute break and focus on the positives of your relationship by yourself. This \u201cforced\u201d relaxation will do wonders for your marriage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I recommend learning how to soothe each other. Ask yourself and each other the following questions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
- What makes us feel flooded?<\/li>
- How do we bring up issues or complaints?<\/li>
- Do we hold things in, rather than share them? If so, why do you think that is?<\/li>
- When you feel flooded, is there something I can do to soothe you?<\/li>
- How do you think you could soothe me when I feel flooded?<\/li>
- What signals can we send each other when we feel flooded so we can take breaks and soothe each other?<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Step 4: Compromise<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. Compromise is not one person changing. It\u2019s about negotiating and discovering ways to accommodate each other. Compromise is impossible unless you accept your partner\u2019s flaws. Marriages can be weighed down by the \u201cif only\u2026\u201d my partner was richer, sexier, or more emotionally expressive. Unlike cherishing your partner, which nurtures gratefulness for what you have, \u201cif only\u201d nurtures resentfulness towards your partner. This makes conflict impossible to solve.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Compromise is about accepting influence from your partner. Research shows that men tend to struggle with this more than women. If you are willing to accept influence, working with each other becomes way easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Step 5: Address Emotional Injuries<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Arguments\u00a0can leave emotional wounds even when a couple resolves an issue. This is perfectly normal and requires talking about or \u201cprocessing.\u201d Sometimes it\u2019s about how you were fighting, not what you were fighting about Dr. Gottman has a powerful exercise on page 188 in\u00a0The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em>\u00a0that will help heal these emotional injuries.<\/p>\n\n\n\nMastering these general problem-solving skills will lead you to discover that many of your problems will find their own solutions. Once you can overcome the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are easier to resolve. But remember: these solutions work only for problems that can be solved. If compromise seems impossible, then the problem you are struggling with is likely\u00a0perpetual.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Kyle Benson, October 21, 2016 Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/5-steps-to-fight-better-if-your-relationship-is-worth-fighting-for\/ Your future together can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. Conflict is\u00a0inevitable in every relationship. Psychologist Dan Wile says it best in his book\u00a0After the Honeymoon: \u201cWhen choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.\u201d However, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2768,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120],"tags":[608,1152,1151,1147],"class_list":["post-2901","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2901","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2901"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2901\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2902,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2901\/revisions\/2902"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2768"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2901"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2901"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2901"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}