According to Dr. John Gottman, \u201cMasters\u201d of relationships approach problems as a team. To do so, they must both be aware of their personal experience at the moment and motivated to work together. It is impossible to nurture healthy relational dynamics without practicing attunement. Let\u2019s take a look at the first couple in Gaspard\u2019s article:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA typical example is Tim and Megan, both in their mid-thirties and married for seven years. \u201cI\u2019ve been unhappy for some time,\u201d complains Megan. \u201cI\u2019ve asked Tim to be more considerate of my needs, but things don\u2019t appear to be changing. It feels like I\u2019m at the bottom of his list.\u201d To this Tim laments: \u201cMegan just doesn\u2019t make me happy anymore and things just aren\u2019t getting better.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Do you think that Tim and Megan are attuned to each other? This couple doesn\u2019t feel like a team. Both partners feel uncared for and unloved. Neither partner is practicing good self-care by allowing this relationship dynamic to continue.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Both Tim and Megan have succeeded in identifying unhappiness in their relationship. However, they haven\u2019t pinpointed specific sources for this unhappiness. In despair, they\u2019ve turned on each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This kind of blame is universal. It feels like a personal attack on one\u2019s character. Beyond being painful and unproductive, with repetition, it completely destroys their relationship. The couple grows farther apart, and the\u00a0Four Horsemen\u00a0are close.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How to get better at attunement<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
How can Tim and Megan turn things around? The first step is for them to get in touch with themselves. They must discover what they need and want and determine what they feel is missing from their relationship. This is\u00a0self-care. They have to understand themselves before they can understand each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you cannot identify your own emotions, how are you supposed to understand them or process them or communicate about them with others? How can you expect your partner to be a source of comfort and support?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If you feel frustrated in your inability to have intimate conversations about your deepest feelings with your partner, you are not alone. Here\u2019s a brief exercise to help you deepen the connection with yourself and with your loved ones:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ask Open-Ended Questions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
If you ask questions that require only a yes or no answer, you are destroying conversations before they even have a chance to begin. You are accidentally slamming the door that you are trying to open. This door is labeled \u201cIntimacy.\u201d Instead of \u201cDid you watch that movie?<\/em>\u201d ask, \u201cWhat was your favorite part?<\/em>\u201d Instead of \u201cAre you upset?<\/em>\u201d ask, \u201cYou seem upset. What\u2019s going on?<\/em>\u201d If you need help, check out our\u00a0card deck.<\/p>\n\n\n\nRelax and take your time<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
If you are bothered by your inability to label your emotions, stop and meditate for a moment. Clear your mind. Search for a word. When a word comes to mind and your body relaxes, you have hit the spot. Here are a few examples you can use in this activity as a starting point:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Positive Emotions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n- Amused<\/li>
- Appreciated<\/li>
- Lucky<\/li>
- Satisfied<\/li>
- Silly<\/li>
- Turned On<\/li>
- Joyful<\/li>
- Safe<\/li>
- Proud<\/li>
- Powerful<\/li>
- Playful<\/li>
- Fascinated<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n
Negative Emotions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n- Alienated<\/li>
- Tense<\/li>
- Misunderstood<\/li>
- Powerless<\/li>
- Ignored<\/li>
- Inferior<\/li>
- Criticized<\/li>
- Ashamed<\/li>
- Betrayed<\/li>
- Numb<\/li>
- Unsafe<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n
There are even more skills for building internal and external intimacy like the deepening connection in your conversations and expressing compassion and sympathy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Ellie Lisitsa, January 16, 2014 Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/self-care-emotional-attunement\/ It is impossible to nurture healthy relational dynamics without practicing attunement. According to\u00a0Terry Gaspard, when experiencing relationship problems, it is wise to: Examine your own actions Adopt realistic expectations about your partner\u2019s willingness to change In other words, don\u2019t try to fix your partner. This is both impossible […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2900,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120],"tags":[608,1152,1151,1147],"class_list":["post-2897","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2897","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2897"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2897\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2899,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2897\/revisions\/2899"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2900"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2897"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2897"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2897"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}