{"id":2894,"date":"2021-12-12T17:44:56","date_gmt":"2021-12-12T17:44:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/?p=2894"},"modified":"2021-12-12T17:44:58","modified_gmt":"2021-12-12T17:44:58","slug":"manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/2021\/12\/12\/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight\/","title":{"rendered":"Manage Conflict: The Aftermath of a Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Ellie Lisitsa, January 16, 2013<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you make repair attempts early, you can salvage the point of the conversation and create a more productive and positive outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When one or both partners feel hurt, frustrated, or angry after a fight, wouldn\u2019t it be nice to just hit a restart button? Unfortunately, you can\u2019t erase an argument from your memory. However, you can take steps to repair it and move forward. When arguments happen, it\u2019s easy to say or do the wrong thing and hurt one another. One of the most important tools for building a healthy relationship is knowing how to process a fight in a way that helps you learn from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Talk About It<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The key in processing a fight is to first talk about what happened to understand what went wrong, how you each felt, and what could have prevented it from ending in a negative way. If you take these steps, you may emerge with new knowledge of your partner and a new understanding of how your relationship works.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Processing a fight means talking about what happened without jumping back into the argument. You can use the following format to understand each other better. There is no absolute \u201creality\u201d as to what happened. There are always two \u201csubjective realities\u201d or perspectives. It is never a matter of who is right and who is wrong, but how the two of you can accept responsibility and find your points of\u00a0compromise\u00a0so that you can move forward together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1: Each partner has a turn to talk about what they felt<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

You can use words such as:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  • Defensive<\/li>
  • Not listened to<\/li>
  • My feelings got hurt<\/li>
  • Totally flooded<\/li>
  • Angry<\/li>
  • Sad<\/li>
  • Unloved<\/li>
  • Misunderstood<\/li>
  • Criticized<\/li>
  • That my complaint was taken personally<\/li>
  • Worried<\/li>
  • Afraid<\/li>
  • Unsafe<\/li>
  • Out of control<\/li>
  • Righteously indignant<\/li>
  • Unfairly picked on<\/li>
  • Stupid<\/li>
  • Like leaving<\/li>
  • Overwhelmed with emotion<\/li>
  • Lonely<\/li>
  • Ashamed<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    Step 2: Discuss and validate both subjective realties<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Talk about how you each saw the situation, remembering that neither of your perspectives is \u201cwrong.\u201d Focus on each of your feelings and needs. It is crucial that you validate your partner\u2019s experience and communicate that you understand at least some of their perspective. Dr. John Gottman\u2019s research demonstrates that\u00a0you can only be influential if you\u00a0accept influence<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Validation responses can sound like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    • \u201cI can understand how you felt that way.\u201d<\/li>
    • \u201cIt sounds like you were very upset and hurt by what I said.\u201d<\/li>
    • \u201cI didn\u2019t know that\u2019s how I came off.\u201d<\/li>
    • (Reflect what they said)<\/em> \u201cSo, when I raised my voice, that made you feel attacked.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

      Step 3: Accept responsibility. What role did you play in this fight?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

      What set me up was\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

      • \u201cI\u2019ve been very stressed lately.\u201d<\/li>
      • \u201cI can see that I\u2019ve taken you for granted.\u201d<\/li>
      • \u201cI know I\u2019ve been overly critical lately.\u201d<\/li>
      • \u201cI haven\u2019t been emotionally available.\u201d<\/li>
      • \u201cI\u2019ve been depressed lately.\u201d<\/li>
      • \u201cI didn\u2019t ask for what I needed.\u201d<\/li>
      • \u201cI\u2019ve been running on empty.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

        You cannot always prevent yourself from making mistakes or saying the wrong thing, but you can go back and make attempts to\u00a0repair\u00a0the situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        Final thought<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

        When couples make a habit of engaging in destructive arguments without processing or trying to understand their partner\u2019s side, the conflicts build on each other until they become unmanageable and overwhelming. Don\u2019t let a regrettable incident grow into an unnecessary catastrophe. Take your arguments as an opportunity to learn more about each other. You will create a more productive and positive outcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

        <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        Ellie Lisitsa, January 16, 2013 Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/manage-conflict-the-aftermath-of-a-fight\/ When you make repair attempts early, you can salvage the point of the conversation and create a more productive and positive outcome. When one or both partners feel hurt, frustrated, or angry after a fight, wouldn\u2019t it be nice to just hit a restart button? Unfortunately, you can\u2019t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2896,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120],"tags":[608,468,1152,1151],"class_list":["post-2894","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-married-life","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2894","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2894"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2894\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2895,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2894\/revisions\/2895"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2896"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2894"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2894"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2894"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}