The Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him, said, \u201cThat women totally dominate men of intellect and possessors of hearts. But ignorant men dominate women, for they are shackled by an animal ferocity. They have no kindness, gentleness, or love, since animality dominates their nature. Love and kindness are human attributes. Anger and sensuality belong to the animals.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
That comes from a hadith in which the Prophet, blessings, and peace be upon him, was talking to some women and he said, \u201cI\u2019ve never seen a creature that has more possession over a man of intellect (lubdin) than you so.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Rumi was taking that to another level of understanding. The reason that they have so much power is because these are people that have conquered their animal souls. So they\u2019re not people that are going to dominate women. They\u2019re not people that are going to oppress. They\u2019re actually people that, because of the love and kindness, have overcome their souls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They actually allow the women their shortcomings without demanding change. And that\u2019s what Ibn Abbas, Allah be pleased with them, said about the verse in the Qur\u2019an:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u0648\u064e\u0644\u0650\u0644\u0631\u0650\u0651\u062c\u064e\u0627\u0644\u0650 \u0639\u064e\u0644\u064e\u064a\u0652\u0647\u0650\u0646\u064e\u0651 \u062f\u064e\u0631\u064e\u062c\u064e\u0629\u064c<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Allah said that, \u201cMen have one degree over women.\u201d (Sura al Baqara 2:228)<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
He said [that one degree] was relinquishing the right of a man for the woman (tanazul \u2018an al haqq). Whereas he would not relinquish her rights. In other words, he would fulfill all of her rights, but he would not demand of her all of his rights. That is the degree that men have over women, and that\u2019s Ibn Abbas, Allah be pleased with him, who\u2019s the translator of the Qur\u2019an.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Path of Least Resistance<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
One of the things also is just going the path of least resistance. Water puts out fire. Fire increases fire. If you look at the Prophet, blessings, and peace be upon him, that was his strategy with people. Umar, Allah be pleased with him, said I once roared at my wife and she answered back. I rebuked her for bandying words with me. She then said, \u201cWhy should you rebuke me for answering you back? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, dispute with him and even ignore him for a night in a day.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, she was saying, \u201cWho do you think you are?\u201d Basically. The wives of the Prophet, blessings, and peace be upon him, do this to the Prophet and he is the best example. And Umar went and indeed found that from Hafsa. He went and asked Hafsa, who was his daughter, \u201cDo you do that?\u201d And he was shocked, but it changed his attitude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When he was Khalifa, a man came to his house, knocked on the door, and then he heard Umar\u2019s wife yelling at him. And he left. And Umar came out and said to him, \u201cWhat happened?\u201d The man said, \u201cNothing.\u201d Umar said, \u201cNo, you came and knocked on my door. What you want?\u201d He said, \u201cI didn\u2019t want anything.\u201d Umar said, \u201cBy Allah, what do you want?\u201d He said, \u201cWell, I was going to come to complain about my wife, but when I heard your wife I said there was no point in complaining to you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And Umar, Allah be pleased with him, said, \u201cThis is my wife. The mother of my children. She maintains my house. Cooks my food. Shouldn\u2019t I have patience with her if she gets upset with me?\u201d There\u2019s the man who roared. That\u2019s the change that occurred in him. That\u2019s the point. People can change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ingratitude and Boasting<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Another reminder and this is to the women, in particular, although it goes to both, is that the idea of ingratitude and boasting about things which haven\u2019t been given. These are two problems that are more predominant in women than in men. The idea is the Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him, said, \u201cOne of the worst qualities of women is that you can do a great deal for them for a lifetime and then one time you do something wrong and the woman will say, you\u2019ve never done anything for me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And again this is important to note that when the Prophet, blessings, and peace be upon him, speaks like this, it\u2019s a generalization. It does not apply to everybody. It\u2019s a reminder to women. The point of that is is that it\u2019s important to keep in mind that even though people have shortcomings you have to look at the overall context. I think part of that is because women tend to move into the moment because of that emotional component that in many women is stronger than men.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When they move into that they\u2019re in the moment completely. I think that\u2019s what that is about. It\u2019s part of the nature of many women and it was just a warning from the Prophet, blessings, and peace be upon him, to be careful of becoming ungrateful to a husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The other thing is to claim to have been given things that she wasn\u2019t given. This is in some superficial people but it\u2019s a warning to women. It can be both in men and women. The idea of saying my husband did this for me or my husband did that for me to other women as a way of boasting. That should not be done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Right to Intimacy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Another mutual right is istimta\u2018 (intimacy). I mentioned this earlier with the women, the men\u2019s right of haqq al istimta\u2018. But it\u2019s a mutual right. The reason why it\u2019s more emphasized in the man is 1) because the men are weaker in that area and 2) because it\u2019s the haqq of a man if he calls his wife for that reason that she should respond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For the woman generally, that is not the case. But she is entitled to that how in the relationship, and it\u2019s grounds for divorce if that haqq is not fulfilled. The ulama differ in that. In the Maliki madhhab, the haqq is that he sleeps with her once every four nights. That is derived from the portion of legal entitlement. So if a man has more than one wife then that\u2019s what happens. If there are four wives then it\u2019s once every four nights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Now just one thing about this. According to Sacred Law, the Prophet, blessings and peace be upon him, said in a hadith, \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you marry a virgin, so you could play with her, and she with you?\u201d That is part of the Maqasid al Shari\u2018a in marriage, which is mula\u2018aban muda\u2018aba \u2013 having that type of intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Obviously, for a man who\u2019s marrying for the first time, it\u2019s easier for that if he marries a virgin. When the man told the Prophet, blessings, and peace be upon him, that the reason that he was marrying a non-virgin was because he had children, and he did not want to bring somebody that was inexperienced,\u201d the Prophet praised him for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Qur\u2019an says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u0648\u064e\u062e\u064f\u0644\u0650\u0642\u064e \u0627\u0644\u0652\u0625\u0650\u0646\u0633\u064e\u0627\u0646\u064f \u0636\u064e\u0639\u0650\u064a\u0641\u064b\u0627<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Man is created weak.(Sura al Nisa 4:28)<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
Most of the commentators say its relation is sexual desire of women. If passion overcomes a man he becomes incapable of reasoning and often of controlling the animal urges. So the spouse is a husn and that\u2019s why the Arabic word for married is muhsan, which literally means fortified. It\u2019s through your spouse that you\u2019re protected. It becomes a fortification for your private parts. It is guarding you from doing something which is haram.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marriage Is A Fortress<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not simply the sexual discharge. That\u2019s one aspect but it\u2019s not simply that. One of the things about when people come together is that there is an effect in the other realms. Angels are pleased about a man and a wife in their relationship. One of the things about the Sakina that comes out of that: the Arabs call it nawma al a\u2018rus, which is the sleep that occurs after people have intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It is a sleep that results from that Sakina. In other words, it\u2019s a deep type of sleep, and it\u2019s a blessing from Allah, Exalted and Most High. That\u2019s why Imam al Ghazali said that \u201csensual pleasure is really an indication of the delight of akhirah.\u201d That\u2019s what he said it was. That Allah was giving the human being a glimpse of the delights of the akhirah. That\u2019s why in the Qur\u2019an those delights are often described in those terms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One of the scholars of Andalusia said that \u201csome have considered marriage and animal appetite: shahwa haywaniyya.\u2019 He said, \u201cand they declare themselves beyond it.\u201d In the Christian religion, it\u2019s seen as a low thing, and so the priest or the monk says, I\u2019m above this. And he continues, \u201cYet they call it with the noblest of names: haywan because haya is an attribute of God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Legal Intimacy Is Nobility<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s the same in our language. You say \u201canimus.\u201d Animal comes from animus, which is the soul. \u201cAnima\u201d is life. \u201cAnimated person\u201d is a lively person. That noble quality of life. And he says, \u201cWhat is more noble than life? What they believe to be ugliness in their eyes is actually the opposite with people who have knowledge of Allah.\u201d That is why Imam Nawawi, Allah be pleased with him, said, \u201cAll of the appetites harden the heart when indulged in, except sexual intimacy in a legal relationship. It has the opposite effect. It softens the heart.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You will see often, especially with men, that if somebody is not married they can actually become hard. And you\u2019ll see a transformation when they get married. They actually become more gentle and more patient \u2013 less angry. That\u2019s why the Muslim world is very problematic now because there are so many young men under 25 that aren\u2019t married. And it\u2019s not a good thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Traditionally people got married early. So actually marriage does have an effect on your psychological state, and that\u2019s important to know. The Prophet, blessings, and peace be upon him, said, \u201cThat all of life is a pleasure and the highest pleasure in life is a righteous wife.\u201d And for a woman is that it\u2019s a righteous husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Intimacy and Praiseworthy Modesty<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Qadi Abu Bakr ibn al Arabi, who\u2019s a great Maliki scholar from Andalusia, said, \u201cA woman\u2019s demand for sexual intercourse from her husband in no way negates praiseworthy modesty.\u201d So it\u2019s not from haya if she is desirous of that. \u201cNor does it negate virtuous dignity, because it is an essential goal of marriage.\u201d In other words, is one of the reasons why people get married. \u201cThus if he was being difficult then she is permitted to demand it on religious grounds, and this is completely dignified demand on her part. So going to a qadi to complain to him about that is not seen as a breach of her modesty, because it\u2019s a haqq of hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And obviously, it could lead to problems \u2013 psychological problems. I was with Shaykh Khatari and he did some marriage counseling and there was somebody who had a lot of psychological trouble. When we finished, the woman wasn\u2019t in the room, he said to the man, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you sleeping with your wife?\u201d And the man was really shocked. He said, \u201cHow did you know that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The shaykh said, \u201cBecause of her state: the state she was in. It\u2019s very common. I\u2019ve seen it in my own people a lot. If a woman\u2019s not having intimacy with her husband she goes into a state that has those same symptoms.\u201d It can lead to psychological problems. People should be aware of that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
By Shaykh Hamza Yusuf Source: https:\/\/seekersguidance.org\/articles\/quran-articles\/makes-marriage-work\/ Shaykh Hamza Yusuf talks about some of the challenges of married life and how to overcome them in a manner that is pleasing to Allah. In terms of what engenders and facilitates these relationships, one is really important: Islamic etiquette. It\u2019s very important to remember that just like your […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3323,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1120,322],"tags":[608,1152,1151,1147],"class_list":["post-2831","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-healthy-relationships","category-for-married","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2831","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2831"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2831\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3324,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2831\/revisions\/3324"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3323"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2831"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2831"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2831"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}