How do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s your wedding day. The universe starts a giant egg timer set for six years. When the egg timer goes off, you\u2019ll either be divorced or you won\u2019t. You\u2019ve heard the rumor that 50% of marriages end in divorce, but someone knows some tips that can increase your odds of making it. More importantly, they know of a single strategy that would virtually guarantee that you would divorce before the timer went off. Would you want to know it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Of course, you would. You would do whatever it takes to ensure that you protected yourself from divorce. It\u2019s no secret, and chances are, it\u2019s right in front of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Turning towards<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
As part of his research, Dr. John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds, then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples remained together. Many divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing: the third level of the Sound Relationship House, Turn Towards Instead of Away<\/strong>. At the six-year follow-up, couples that stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that divorced averaged only 33% of the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a pretty incredible piece of data. It suggests that there is something you can do today that will dramatically change the course of your relationship. More importantly, it suggests that there is something that you cannot<\/em> do that will lead to its demise. So, how do you turn towards instead of away? In order to understand turning, you have to first understand bids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help. In general, women make more bids than men, but in the healthiest relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bids can get tricky, however, and admittedly I sometimes miss more bids than I don\u2019t. Indeed many men struggle in this regard, so it\u2019s important to pay attention. Bids usually have a secondary layer. Call it the difference between text and subtext. A few examples to get your brain going:<\/p>\n\n\n It is important that you learn to recognize bids and that you commit to making them to one another. Make the word \u201cbids\u201d part of your conversation and perhaps name your bids toward one another. It\u2019s okay to say, \u201cI\u2019m making a bid for attention now\u201d as you get to know each other in this early phase of your relationship. You can also practice discerning subtext together. Pick a show that is new to you both and watch it on mute. See if you can interpret the bids that the characters make based only on non-verbals. Once you start to get intentional about your bids, you can concentrate on \u201cturning towards.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n To \u201cmiss\u201d a bid is to \u201cturn away.\u201d Turning away can be devastating. It\u2019s even more devastating than \u201cturning against\u201d or rejecting the bid. Rejecting a bid at least provides the opportunity for continued engagement and repair. Missing the bid results in diminished bids, or worse, making bids for attention, enjoyment, and affection somewhere else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Turning towards starts with paying attention. Your work on bids will come in handy here. Simply recognizing that a bid was made opens the door to the response. If you pay attention, you\u2019ll respond to both the text and the subtext. As bids get more complicated, so will the nature of turning toward. For now, start simple. Take an inventory of the bids and turning in your relationship and share your responses with one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\nTurn towards what? Bids for connection<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\nHow to turn towards? Pay attention to your partner<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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