https:\/\/www.theatlantic.com\/health\/archive\/2014\/06\/happily-ever-after\/372573\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\nScience says lasting relationships come down to\u2014you guessed it\u2014kindness and generosity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say \u201cI do,\u201d committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love that will carry them forward to their final days on this Earth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Except, of course, it doesn\u2019t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in 10 remain in healthy, happy marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book The Science of Happily Ever After<\/em>, which was published earlier this year.<\/p>\n\n\n\nSocial scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were. Was each unhappy family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did the miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife, Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
John Gottman began gathering his most crucial findings in 1986 when he set up the \u201cLove Lab\u201d with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other. With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects\u2019 blood flow, heart rates, and how much sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters<\/em> and the disasters<\/em>. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.<\/p>\n\n\n\nBut what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal\u2014of being in fight-or-flight mode\u2014in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger. Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, \u201cWhy don\u2019t you start talking about your day. It won\u2019t take you very long.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It\u2019s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological makeup than the disasters; it\u2019s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed-and-breakfast retreat. He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a crucial discovery in this study\u2014one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls \u201cbids.\u201d For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, \u201cLook at that beautiful bird outside!\u201d He\u2019s not just commenting on the bird here: He\u2019s requesting a response from his wife\u2014a sign of interest or support\u2014hoping they\u2019ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either \u201cturning toward\u201d or \u201cturning away\u201d from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn\u2019t\u2014those who turned away\u2014would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, \u201cStop interrupting me, I\u2019m reading.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had \u201cturn-toward bids\u201d 33 percent of the time. Only three in 10 of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had \u201cturn-toward bids\u201d 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of 10, they were meeting their partner\u2019s emotional needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples\u2014straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not\u2014will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a habit of mind that the masters have,\u201d Gottman explained in an interview, \u201cwhich is this: They are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say \u2018thank you\u2019 for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners\u2019 mistakes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not just scanning environment,\u201d chimed in Julie Gottman. \u201cIt\u2019s scanning the partner<\/em> for what the partner<\/em> is doing right or scanning him for what he\u2019s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nContempt, they have found, is the No. 1 factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing, and they see negativity when it\u2019s not there. People who give their partner the cold shoulder\u2014deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally\u2014damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they\u2019re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them kill not only the love in the relationship but also their partner\u2019s ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated\u2014feel loved. \u201cMy bounty is as boundless as the sea,\u201d says Shakespeare\u2019s Juliet. \u201cMy love as deep; the more I give to thee, \/ The more I have, for both are infinite.\u201d That\u2019s how kindness works too: A great deal of evidence shows that the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: Either you have it or you don\u2019t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIf your partner expresses a need,\u201d explained Julie Gottman, \u201cand you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble \u201cUh-huh\u201d and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight\u2014but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cKindness doesn\u2019t mean that we don\u2019t express our anger,\u201d Julie Gottman explained, \u201cbut kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you\u2019re hurt and angry, and that\u2019s the kinder path.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
John Gottman elaborated on those spears: \u201cDisasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say \u2018You\u2019re late. What\u2019s wrong with you? You\u2019re just like your mom.\u2019 Masters will say \u2018I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it\u2019s not your fault, but it\u2019s really annoying that you\u2019re late again.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married this month\u2014and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not\u2014the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner\u2019s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or say a wife is running late to dinner (again), and the husband assumes that she doesn\u2019t value him enough to show up to their date on time after he took the trouble to make a reservation and leave work early so that they could spend a romantic evening together. But it turns out that the wife was running late because she stopped by a store to pick him up a gift for their special night out. Imagine her joining him for dinner, excited to deliver her gift, only to realize that he\u2019s in a sour mood because he misinterpreted what was motivating her behavior. The ability to interpret your partner\u2019s actions and intentions charitably can soften the sharp edge of conflict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cEven in relationships where people are frustrated, it\u2019s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,\u201d Tashiro, the psychologist, told me. \u201cA lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it\u2019s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other\u2019s good news. When one person in the relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement, the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or shutting the conversation down with a comment like \u201cThat\u2019s nice.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We\u2019ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right <\/em>is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner\u2019s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\nIn one study from 2006, the psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. The psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to each other\u2019s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other\u2019s good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive<\/em>, active destructive<\/em>, passive constructive<\/em>, and active constructive<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\nLet\u2019s say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like \u201cI got into my top-choice med school!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If her partner responded in a passive destructive <\/em>manner, he would ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free T-shirt!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nIf her partner responded in a passive constructive <\/em>way, he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical passive-constructive response is saying \u201cThat\u2019s great, babe\u201d as he texts his buddy on his phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\nIn the third kind of response, active destructive<\/em>, the partner would diminish the good news his partner just got: \u201cAre you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nFinally, there\u2019s active constructive <\/em>responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: \u201cThat\u2019s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take the first semester?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nAmong the four response styles, active-constructive responding is the kindest. While the other response styles are joy killers, active-constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active-constructive responding is a way of \u201cturning toward\u201d your partner\u2019s bid (sharing the good news) rather than \u201cturning away\u201d from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Active-constructive responding is crucial for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active-constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner\u2019s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active-constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it\u2019s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up\u2014with children, careers, friends, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy\u2014couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against each other tear them apart. In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Emily Esfahani Smith, June 12, 2014 Source: https:\/\/www.theatlantic.com\/health\/archive\/2014\/06\/happily-ever-after\/372573\/ Science says lasting relationships come down to\u2014you guessed it\u2014kindness and generosity. Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say \u201cI do,\u201d committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love that will […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2719,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[564,1120],"tags":[608,1152,1154,1147],"class_list":["post-2718","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-marriage","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2718","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2718"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2718\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3296,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2718\/revisions\/3296"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2719"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2718"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2718"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2718"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}