https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/accepting-influence-find-ways-to-say-yes\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\nThis is one of the hallmarks of a successful relationship<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In theory, most people agree that it\u2019s a good idea for both partners in a relationship to have influence in decision-making. You imagine you\u2019re good at working as a team, compromising, and going back and forth\u2014if only your partner would be more flexible. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Research conducted by Drs. Gottman and Jacobson showed that men who accept influence from their female partners tend to have happier and more satisfying relationships. Paradoxically, what the research also showed was that the more influence a partner was willing to accept, the more influential that partner was in the relationship overall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In reality, accepting influence is an equal opportunity concept. All intimate relationships work better when both <\/em>partners have and accept influence. In fact, this is one of the hallmarks of a successful relationship, one in which there is a pattern of respectful influence going back and forth and both partners feel that things are fair. <\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat does it mean to accept influence?<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
In discussing this idea in couples therapy, there\u2019s sometimes a belief that you have to comply or just go along with your partner to truly accept influence. \u201cIf I just say \u2018Yes, dear,\u2019 everything\u2019s okay,\u201d a client said to me recently. This is a mistaken belief, as accepting influence is simply being open to the ideas and opinions of your partner, not agreeing or complying or giving in. By accepting influence, you acknowledge that your partner has a valid point of view. You welcome it, are willing to be influenced, and maybe have your perspective changed by it. Accepting influence says, \u201cYou are important, and your opinions matter to me even if(and bonus points for this, especially if)I don\u2019t agree with you.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Problems with resisting influence show up in many ways. Some are clear about one partner rejecting the other or needing to always have their own way. Others are more subtle, such as one partner appearing to seek input on something when behind the scenes they have made their decision already. Some people reflexively say or indicate \u201cno\u201d as a way to maintain control over a conversation or decision even if they actually agree with their partner. There can be understandable reasons for any of these stances, but it\u2019s important to note that the only message that\u2019s getting communicated to the partner is \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On the other end of the spectrum are people raised in families or by cultural or societal norms to believe that they do not deserve to have influence, so why bother speaking up? They think, \u2018It\u2019s not going to get me anywhere.\u2019 Both ends of this spectrum can create power struggling and resentment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How to accept influence<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
So, how can you avoid the tugs-of-war that happen around this issue of influence?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
First, check yourself.<\/strong> Self-awareness is key. You\u2019re likely not trying to shut your partner down but are inadvertently doing so. That can sound like, \u201cI\u2019m just expressing my opinion\u201d when in reality they\u2019re thinking \u2018\u2026 and this is the only opinion that matters.\u2019 Ask yourself, are you really staying open to the other perspective? <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\nListen with curiosity to the other point of view.<\/strong> Check to see if you are understanding correctly. It is so much harder to do this when you disagree, but the solution you can ultimately come to is going to feel a lot better if both of you feel understood and respected.<\/p>\n\n\n\nRemember the research<\/strong>. The more influence you accept, the more influential you will be. <\/p>\n\n\n\nLook for ways to say \u201cyes.\u201d<\/strong> There is a benefit to you in yielding a bit, not being defensive and being open to seeing that your partner has a valid perspective\u2014even if you don\u2019t share it. Think of it as looking for ways to say \u201cyes,\u201d even if that is a simple acknowledgment, such as, \u201cI see your point.\u201d For many, this can be a challenge, but you have to ask yourself: Do you want to be right or do you want to stay together?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Sinead Smyth, LMFTMarch 11, 2021 Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/accepting-influence-find-ways-to-say-yes\/ This is one of the hallmarks of a successful relationship In theory, most people agree that it\u2019s a good idea for both partners in a relationship to have influence in decision-making. You imagine you\u2019re good at working as a team, compromising, and going back and forth\u2014if only your […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2689,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120],"tags":[608,1152,1154,1147],"class_list":["post-2688","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-marriage","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2688","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2688"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2688\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2691,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2688\/revisions\/2691"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2689"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2688"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2688"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2688"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}