decreased<\/em> (Finkel, 2017). These changes have correlated with all-time levels of dissatisfaction with being married. Internationally recognized relationship therapist Esther Perel seconds that observation. She tells us that expectations have risen worldwide and that they are particularly high in the U.S. She identifies this as a problematic trend (Perel, 2017).<\/p>\n\n\n\nAt the other extreme, research at the University of North Carolina’s Couples Lab warns us not to expect too little of marriage. Donald Baucom advised us that people get what they expect, and when expectations are too low, unacceptable situations often result. Specifically, these findings were relevant to anyone in abusive relationships. Those who continue to tolerate emotional, verbal, or physical abuse will likely continue to be treated badly. This research emphasizes that we should at the very least expect kindness and respect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Psychologist Jim McNulty of Florida State University drew some interesting conclusions from his studies of newlywed couples over a four-year period (McNulty, 2016). He concluded that high standards don’t work in a marriage if partners have poor communication skills, a high level of\u00a0stress, or too little time to devote to the relationship. His advice was to match your expectations with your (and your spouse\u2019s) ability to deliver time, effort, and social skills to the relationship. That\u00a0advice is consistent with Finkel\u2019s work,\u00a0although it requires being honest with yourself about\u00a0your willingness\u00a0to put forth the\u00a0time and effort.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The work of couples therapists John and Julie\u00a0Gottman\u00a0provides some answers to the question of what is reasonable to expect in a happy marriage. In their research, the Gottmans observed thousands of \u201chappy couples\u201d and identified common characteristics of those marriages (Gottman, 1999). Maintaining a friendship, creating a satisfying\u00a0sex\u00a0life together, and arguing in constructive ways were all high on the list. With regard to expectations, Gottmans\u2019 work pointed out that there will be problems that are solvable and those that are not. Once that reality is accepted, a couple can move on to solving the solvable ones and finding ways to manage the unsolvable ones, with less frustration about the latter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Many clinicians have also noted the boost in happiness when couples carve out time to have fun together. Maybe it\u2019s a date night, a mutual interest, or a shared\u00a0sense of humor. If you don\u2019t have fun together, you\u2019re left with only the shared responsibilities. Whether it’s for relaxation or adventure, taking some time for just the two of you helps to build awareness that you and your partner are on the same team. That awareness builds trust.\u00a0The ability to resolve conflicts improves\u00a0as the level of mutual trust increases (Gottman, 1999).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To sum up, the happiest couples tailor their expectations to what is realistic for their own circumstances. They do follow basic guidelines of kindness, respect, and trust that the other person has their back. If you want something more from your marriage, put more into it \u2014 more fun, more thoughtfulness, and more trust. As with most things in life, the more effort you put into it, the more you can expect to get out of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Are your expectations for your marriage too high? Posted by Dianne Grande Ph.D. Oct 30, 2018 Source: https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/in-it-together\/201810\/how-expectations-affect-ones-happiness-in-marriage A simple way to improve your\u00a0marriage\u00a0is to change your expectations. Better yet, drop some of them. If I sound cynical, please read on. I am a believer in the institution of marriage.\u00a0However, the experience of both researchers […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2267,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[564,1120],"tags":[608,1152,1154,1147],"class_list":["post-2673","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-muslim-website-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-marriage","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2673"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3046,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2673\/revisions\/3046"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2267"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2673"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2673"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2673"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}