https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/understanding-must-precede-advice\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\nLearn how to use conflict as an opportunity to understand and get to know each other better is a vital part of attunement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mike finds his wife\u2019s \u201cexplosion\u201d of anger \u201cunbearable.\u201d When she gets angry, he tries to neutralize or fix her feelings. He often tries to problem solve before understanding why Stacey is upset. This makes Stacey feel dumb for experiencing and expressing her innate feelings. It also makes her feel like her emotional reality is something to be fixed and not legitimate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The root of this conflict between Stacey and Mike can be found all the way back in their childhoods and how they were taught to view emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For Stacey, her family was as okay with her feeling angry or sad as with her feeling joyful. All emotions were seen as legitimate and valuable\u2014even the more difficult or less pleasant ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mike\u2019s family, on the other hand, instead of accepting emotions, tried to change them or prove to him that his feelings were \u201cirrational.\u201d As a result, any dark emotions overwhelm him, just as they did his family, and he seeks to control, suppress, and change them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Since they view emotions so differently, Mike and Stacey both feel misunderstood when these darker emotions come up for either of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To understand each other better and create a more connected relationship, Dr. Gottman suggests using a weekly State of the Union meeting to start building the skills of attunement. Attunement is the capacity to be in harmony with your partner\u2019s feelings. When couples attune to each other, they feel more connected and loved and have better sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the first three installments of this State of the Union Column, we discussed the speaker\u2019s responsibilities:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Speaker\u2019s Role
A =\u00a0Awareness
T =\u00a0Tolerance
T =\u00a0Transforming criticisms into wishes and positive needs<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This week, we are now turning to the listener\u2019s first responsibility in Dr. Gottman\u2019s ATTUNE model:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Listener\u2019s Role
U = Understanding
N =\u00a0Non-Defensive Listening
E =\u00a0Empathy<\/p>\n\n\n\n
During his research, Dr. Gottman discovered that problem solving or giving your partner advice before understanding their feelings or perspective is counterproductive and actually interferes with reaching a resolution. Learning how to use conflict as an opportunity to understand and get to know each other better is a vital part of attunement.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The opportunity in negative emotions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
In every close relationship there is the potential to share\u00a0all emotions in their raw, ugly beauty, and, through that sharing, the opportunity to connect more deeply with your partner. But, if you grew up similarly to Mike and learned to dismiss or ignore your more difficult emotions, you may not feel comfortable embracing these emotional opportunities for connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The problem with dismissing emotions is that when emotions are banished they don\u2019t vanish. As Susan David, Ph.D., says,\u00a0bottling emotions leads to lower levels of well-being\u00a0as well as high levels of depression and anxiety. It\u2019s easy to see how this, over time, decreases the quality of your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve heard many ask, \u201cWhat is my partner trying to accomplish by being emotional?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But what they are really asking is, \u201cWhat is my partner trying to accomplish by showing negative emotions?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I rarely, if ever, hear someone ask this question about emotions like joy, excitement, or passion. No one has an issue when their partner expresses those more positively perceived emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Emotions are often labeled as problems when they are deemed to be one of the negative emotions such as sadness, anger, fear, disappointment, jealousy, loneliness, shame, and insecurity. Many believe that talking about these feelings will make things worse. This is false.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Emotions are as natural as breathing. They\u2019re fleeting and messy and awful and wonderful, and they are all part of being human.\u00a0All<\/em>\u00a0emotions are healthy\u2014positive, negative, it doesn\u2019t matter\u2014unless we choose to\u00a0bottle or brood\u00a0over them. There is an evolutionary advantage to each and every emotion. And in today\u2019s modern world, they offer insight into what we truly value.<\/p>\n\n\n\nMy point is that all emotions are acceptable. As Dr. John Gottman says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cEmotions have their own purpose and logic. Your partner cannot select which feelings to have. Their feelings come up unconsciously. If you can\u2019t get beyond the belief that negative emotions are a waste of time and even dangerous, you will never be able to attune to your partner enough to have true intimacy.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
But, while all emotions are acceptable, all behavior is not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By seeking to understand why your partner feels the way they do, you can learn a lot about them. By accepting their emotions and striving to learn more about why they feel the way they do, you build a bridge to greater connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Saying things like, \u201cYou\u2019re making it a bigger deal than it is,\u201d or \u201cCalm down, you\u2019re not thinking clearly,\u201d are rarely effective. These statements only succeed in diminishing your partner and trivializing their emotional experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Instead try, \u201cPlease help me understand what has you so upset.\u201d This approach provides an opportunity for you, partner, to process what they are feeling and for you to more deeply understand where your partner is coming from and who they are as a person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Emotions are\u00a0opportunities for intimacy. They are a gateway to building emotional connection and trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
As the listener in your State of The Union, your first role is to seek understanding\u2014to gain insight into the emotions your partner is feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I watch couples do this in my practice, both feel heard and emotionally closer. When one partner is unwilling to understand or let themselves be understood by their partner, the problems in their relationship fester and the disconnect and loneliness they feel increase. One of the biggest reasons this happens is due to the listening partner feeling responsible for making their partner happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your partner\u2019s feelings are not your responsibility<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
When Mike would listen to Stacey, he felt like it was his responsibility to transform her bad mood into a more positive, optimistic one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
He believed his role as her husband was to make<\/em> her happy. When she was sad or frustrated, he would offer a way to solve the problem or tell her how he would choose to feel if he were in the same situation.<\/p>\n\n\n\nBig mistake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By dismissing her feelings and telling her she is \u201cblowing things out of proportion,\u201d he made her feel as though she shouldn\u2019t feel what she was feeling and that something was wrong with her.
Over time, she grew to resent him. This pushed them farther apart from each other. They started having less sex, were less playful with one another, and they started feeling like housemates instead of lovers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What could Mike have done differently?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It goes back to attunement. It always goes back to attunement. Want to fix your relationship? Attune to each other. Want to deepen your bond and have greater intimacy? Attune to each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mike didn\u2019t need to problem solve or fix Stacey. He just needed to understand that she wanted to feel less alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For most of us, realizing we just have to understand and not problem solve is a huge relief. And the payoff is huge. When you attune, your partner feels safer with you. And when your partner feels safe, life is good. Sex is good. Your relationship becomes playful and joyous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Over time, Mike learned that no harm would happen to their relationship if he simply listened to Stacey instead of giving advice. He learned to accept that he cannot control what she feels and that it is not his job to get his wife to cheer up, calm down, or develop a sense of humor. All she needs is for him to listen to her, understand her, and care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Discover your partner\u2019s uniqueness<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The goal of attunement is to understand the unique, amazing, annoying, complex, frustrating, and fascinating person you are in a relationship with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Any relationship between two people will have issues.\u00a0No two people will ever agree on everything. And trying to turn your partner into you prevents you from growing yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you give up trying to change your partner into handling situations or problems like you, you can attune to them as they are and that\u2019s when real intimacy blooms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When seeking to understand your partner, it\u2019s best to slow down and ask open-ended questions that help you understand them more. When you think you understand, then reflect back what you heard and ask your partner, \u201cDid I get it right? Am I understanding you correctly?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They may say yes or go on to explain some piece or aspect that you didn\u2019t fully understand. If they do feel understood, there is one big question I love to have my couples ask that helps open up the deep emotions and the underlying meaning or cause of the conflict:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIs there more to this?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Our emotions, especially the feistier ones like anger, are like an iceberg. Underneath the surface of anger is fear, and when you melt away the fear, you uncover a well of sadness. So asking this question opens your partner up to sharing more about what\u2019s buried deep inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The State of the Union weekly meeting is a dance. The goal of the listener is to appreciate your partner\u2019s emotions: their meaning and history, and whatever events that may have escalated the conflict or hurt feelings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you seek to understand your partner, you gain access to a superpower that can transform the barriers of conflict that arise out of differences into bridges of intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Kyle Benson, May 24, 2017 Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/understanding-must-precede-advice\/ Learn how to use conflict as an opportunity to understand and get to know each other better is a vital part of attunement. Mike finds his wife\u2019s \u201cexplosion\u201d of anger \u201cunbearable.\u201d When she gets angry, he tries to neutralize or fix her feelings. He often tries to problem […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2651,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,1120],"tags":[608,1154,1151,1147],"class_list":["post-2650","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-healthy-relationships","tag-marriage-advice","tag-online-dating-service-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2650","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2650"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2650\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2652,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2650\/revisions\/2652"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2651"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2650"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2650"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2650"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}