https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/build-love-maps\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\nDr. Gottman\u2019s term for getting to know your partner\u2019s world is called Build Love Maps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You know that moment at a wedding when the DJ invites all the married people onto the dance floor for a slow dance. Then he says something like, \u201cIf you\u2019ve been married less than one year, please leave the floor.\u201d A few moments later, \u201cIf you\u2019ve been married less than three years, please leave the floor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then five years. Then ten. Fifteen. Twenty. Fifty. Eventually there are just one or two couples left, someone\u2019s grandparents or even great-grandparents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then there\u2019s just the one couple \u2014 married 62 years. Their dance is creaky and off-balance, but still, everyone applauds. We cheer and say something like, \u201cWow! That\u2019s unbelievable.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why do we do that? Why are we impressed with these folks? What makes them special? More importantly, what\u2019s their secret? How did they manage to stay together for so long? Surely some of these long-term marriages are the result of endurance and stubbornness. But I suspect most of them survive on the basis of a strong marital friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The marital friendship is the foundation of Dr. Gottman\u2019s Sound Relationship House theory. It\u2019s the thing that sustains a relationship. The couple married for 62 years didn\u2019t stay married because of the absence of conflict, or their enthusiastic sex life, or their good luck. They stayed married because they liked each other. They knew each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is the primary task of the new couple just starting out. Get to know your partner<\/em>. I promise you, there is, and always will be, more that you don\u2019t know about your partner than you do. Another way of saying this is you can always get to know your partner better. Make it a priority over the lifetime of your relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\nDr. Gottman\u2019s term for getting to know your partner\u2019s world is called Build Love Maps<\/strong>. Think of it this way: When you choose to spend your life with someone, you hand them a map to your inner world. Your inner world is, of course, quite complex including the memories of your past, the details of your present, your hopes for the future. It includes your deepest fears and your grandest dreams. But the map you hand your partner is a pencil sketch.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe task for new couples is to intentionally be adding details to that map. It needs scale, direction, a legend. Over the course of a lifetime, you will be constantly adding landmarks, texture, color. A detailed Love Map brings perspective to the twists and turns that inevitably enter a marriage. It\u2019s critical that you prioritize this effort early. Dr. Gottman notes in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work<\/em> that \u201cif you don\u2019t start off with a deep knowledge of each other, it\u2019s easy for your marriage to lose its way when your lives shift so suddenly and dramatically.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nYour lives will shift suddenly and dramatically. In fact it probably already has. As a first step toward building Love Maps for your relationship, I\u2019d encourage you to draw one of your own about your life before this commitment. Think back through the twists and turns in your story. Write them down. Or perhaps draw an actual map. What has the journey to this point been like for you. Where were the smooth roads? Where were the steep climbs or the dry deserts? My personal bias is that there is no substitute for knowing your own story thoroughly and well. A trained therapist can help you with this, but so can the discipline of journalling. It almost doesn\u2019t matter how you get there, but it\u2019s important that you don\u2019t expect your new partner to be the answer to all the questions you\u2019ve been asking \u2014 consciously or unconsciously \u2014 throughout your life. Indeed, the best way to ensure a healthy marital friendship is to keep asking questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For new couples, The Gottman Institute has created a card deck called 52 Questions Before Marriage or Moving In. The goal of the deck is to give couples the opportunity to explore areas that might not be top of mind when they\u2019re in the early stages of young love, or worse, the traumatic stages of wedding planning. Questions from the deck include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n