Passionate Marriage<\/em>, calls a \u201cHuman Growth Machine.\u201d And Finkel also posits that, in our world, \u201ca new kind of marriage has emerged, one that can promote self-discovery, self-esteem, and personal growth like never before.\u201d I love the idea of having a growth-centered marriage. That is something I can achieve, and it feels satisfying to grow and improve. It is a tangible goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\nRegarding goals: in the last few years I started doing something I never thought I\u2019d do. I lift weights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I used to be a slender little guy. I once dropped a girl when I was country dancing and was so embarrassed by my weak muscles that I never went back. Then I hit the gym. I remember when I first started lifting, I squatted 225 pounds and my coach was like, \u201cDude, Nate! That\u2019s awesome!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was so proud of myself! So, I kept at it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A few years later, after grinding away at the gym every week, I now squat around 345 pounds. Big improvement, right? And every time I add another pound, I feel like a champion because growth is satisfying and progress feels amazing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
How to keep your marriage strong for the long run<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Now I apply the principles I used in the weight room to my marriage. For example, I used to get anxious when my wife was feeling sad or stressed. And I used to snap at her if I felt attacked or threatened. For over a year I\u2019ve been working to improve myself in this area. I practice\u00a0self-soothing, taking deep breaths, and thinking before I speak, and\u00a0giving my wife the benefit of the doubt,\u00a0and trying to\u00a0understand her perspective\u00a0when I feel hurt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m definitely not perfect (a little secret: nobody is!), but I\u2019m getting better at\u00a0managing conflict\u00a0between us and using it as an opportunity for understanding and growth. I\u2019m less stressed out when she is. I snap at her less. My wife even smiles compassionately at me when she sees me taking deep breaths, or using the plans we\u2019ve put in place to help us fight better and love smarter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She\u2019s commented that I\u2019m improving, and because of that, we\u2019re improving as a couple. But, like working out, it\u2019s not easy, and especially not at first. It stretches your comfort zone. It pushes you to your limits. It expands your capacities as a human being. And this painful stretching and expanding and growing means that, sometimes, your partner and your marriage will not make you happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Honestly, marriage is a challenge. And it\u2019s a good one because marriage reveals your limitations and exposes your weaknesses, flaws, and vulnerabilities. Marriage makes you painfully aware of how impatient you might be, of your struggles to say \u201cno\u201d to things that aren\u2019t important and \u201cyes\u201d to things that are, and of how challenging it is to navigate your differences when you\u2019re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, or simply hangry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Marriage challenges you to deal with sickness, tragedy, financial stresses, changes in faith or beliefs, job loss, weight gain, raising kids, losing parents and other family members, and you have to do it all while supporting and satisfying another emotional human being!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You can\u2019t tackle this stuff and come out on the other side still in love with each other by remaining the exact same people you were when you started. You can\u2019t go through all of that together while remaining in perpetual bliss. You have to constantly grow and evolve into the version of you that\u2019s capable of facing and overcoming the unique challenges that life throws at you at any given moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That dynamic won\u2019t feel like perfection, but that\u2019s actually what you want. In fact, Dr. John Gottman argues strongly in favor of\u00a0a good enough marriage\u00a0when he states that today, couples \u201cexpect to be treated with kindness, love, affection, and respect. They do not tolerate emotional or physical abuse. They expect their partner to be loyal. This does not mean they expect their relationship to be free of conflict. Even happily married couples argue. Conflict is healthy because it leads to greater understanding.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
You will be confronted with uncomfortable truths throughout your marriage. It might be about sex, or money, or time spent together, or parenting, or all of that. Things won\u2019t always work out how you plan them, and plans may need to change if you\u2019re going to have the relationship you want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Having someone challenge you to expand and grow can make things feel worse before they get better. It may even put the relationship on the line if you or your partner refuse to confront your own flaws, or if you won\u2019t take responsibility when things go wrong. If the\u00a0Four Horsemen\u00a0come charging into the dynamic, then you might be doomed if you don\u2019t\u00a0find ways to fight them off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But this is what love is really about. It is not always about always pleasing your partner, or always being pleased yourself. Instead, it is about supporting your partner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Pleasing your partner means you make sure they are happy and comfortable and worry-free, and there will be times you must do that. But if that\u2019s your primary goal, it might cause you to be overly agreeable and accommodating even when your partner is being unkind or hurtful. And we all make those mistakes, but pleasing your partner also means shielding your partner from anything that could make them feel challenged or uncomfortable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Like the uncomfortable experience of growth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Supporting your partner means you have their best interests at heart and you intentionally act to uphold and achieve those interests. It means you stand by their side, you help them, you have their back, and sometimes it means you engage in conflict about difficult truths and regrettable incidents. True partners dedicate themselves to the person they love and to the bond they share, even when those acts of dedication might be temporarily painful due to the positive growth it causes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dedication to that positive growth forces you to identify and open up about your weaknesses, insecurities, and fears is exactly what leads to the periods of happiness, trust, connection, passion, and commitment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Is that the kind of love you want? Or are you willing to settle for less?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Nate Bagley May 7, 2018 Source: https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/seriously-whats-point-marriage-growth\/ The point of marriage is not happiness. The point of marriage is growth. What\u2019s the point of marriage? No, really, this is a serious question. What\u2019s the point? If you don\u2019t have a goal, objective, or specific outcome in mind, or if you don\u2019t know what you and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2593,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1103,564,322],"tags":[608,1154,1151,1147],"class_list":["post-2590","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-beyondchai","category-featured-posts","category-for-married","tag-marriage-advice","tag-online-dating-service-for-marriage","tag-online-dating-service-for-muslims","tag-single-muslims"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2590","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2590"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2590\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2594,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2590\/revisions\/2594"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2593"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2590"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2590"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondchai.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2590"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}