By Reina Gattuso, Apr 13, 2020 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In times of crisis, grave concerns tend to intersect with more mundane ones. The coronavirus pandemic has created a series of global shockwaves, from\u00a0unprecedented strain on the healthcare system\u00a0to economic instability, exacerbated inequality, and xenophobia. Some of us, due to health vulnerabilities,\u00a0economic precarity, or housing instability, are more severely affected than others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For those of us who are dating, social distancing presents a different challenge. In the past few years, with\u00a030% of American adults dating online, we\u2019ve contended with new dating challenges, namely digital harassment and the potential superficiality of a \u201cswipe-based\u201d approach to love. Indeed, the usage of swipe-based dating apps has been shown to correlate with an increased\u00a0likelihood of depression and anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At the same time, many of us \u2014 up to 12% of Americans \u2014 have found committed relationships or marriages on dating apps. These intimate relationships are integral to our mental health and\u00a0physical wellbeing. All to say, while there are certain downsides to hitting the apps, cultivating connection, wherever we find it, is fundamental to who we are. As many aspects of social life move online, our dating life naturally follows.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s ironic that, just before COVID-19 forced even more of life online, reality television began probing the possibilities of distant dating. Popular shows like\u00a0The Circle\u00a0<\/em>and\u00a0Love is Blind<\/em>, both of which aired in early 2020, posed the question: is who we present ourselves to be remote \u2014 either through a wall or through an app \u2014 really who we are? Now, it seems these experiments have become a reality. Many of us can\u00a0only\u00a0<\/em>chat and call with potential love interests, and it remains uncertain when we\u2019ll actually return to flesh-and-blood dating. Thus, we navigate how to present ourselves online. We may worry about how much to disclose about ourselves to strangers, and whether our online selves match up with our \u201creal\u201d selves. We may also worry that, when we finally meet online dating matches in real life, there won\u2019t be any chemistry \u2014 or worse, they won\u2019t be who they say they are at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dating from a distance, however, can force us to slow down and pay attention not only to our dates but to ourselves. We can take time to focus on what we want from intimacy, and use extended conversations to explore who potential matches are and whether they might be a good fit for us. \u201cThere\u2019s no upside or silver lining to this pandemic,\u201d said a friend of mine. She is, like me, looking for love while staying at least six feet \u2014 and, most of the time, several miles \u2014 apart. \u201cBut I have a pattern of jumping into relationships or intense things at the first sign of anything that I like.\u201d (I feel you, girl!) \u201cBeing forced to be pen pals or just walking buddies, while frustrating, is actually probably helping me figure out what I do or don\u2019t like and want.\u201d Her words apply to many of us who are dating in unstable times. Here are several ways we can use socially distant dating to connect with ourselves and develop healthier connections with others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For many of us, basic worries about paying the bills,\u00a0staying safe in a volatile home situation\u00a0or a dangerous job, and dealing with a potentially lethal illness are more pressing concerns than self-introspection. At the same time, cultivating self-love and self-awareness will always be beneficial. Self-love can make us more resilient, reduce stress, and help us develop\u00a0healthier interpersonal relationships\u00a0in the long run. If you\u2019re at home with others, or on the front lines, it can help to take time alone \u2014 even just a few minutes a day \u2014 to connect with yourself. Journaling, talking on the phone with close friends, or connecting remotely with a therapist can all be ways to remain resilient now, and build healthier relationships in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019ve been experiencing frustration in your dating life, and particularly if you\u2019ve found yourself\u00a0stuck in a cycle of emotional unavailability, socially distant dating can be a good time to focus on developing deeper connections through chats and calls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While dating from a distance can lend itself to slower, more deliberate connections, it can also lead to unrealistically high expectations, as we confuse our fantasy date with the reality of who they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keeping an open mind, and keeping expectations realistic, can help us date with more intentionality. Dating is a process of learning about ourselves and others. Thinking of our remote connections as a time to explore, rather than as a rush to pass a definitive verdict on a relationship, can help us put less pressure on ourselves. Who knows: you may even enjoy dating this way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSocial distancing\u201d may not actually be the best phrase for what our societies are doing to fight the coronavirus pandemic. In actuality,\u00a0commentators argue, what we should call this is\u00a0physical distancing<\/em>, with\u00a0social solidarity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The beauty of technology is that\u00a0we can remain emotionally close\u00a0with people down the street and on the other side of the globe, even while not leaving our homes. At the same time, those working on the front lines or facing job loss can connect with others in similar positions, in order to learn, lean on each other, and develop solidarity. This emphasis on social closeness with physical distance can also apply to our dating lives. Online dating isn\u2019t without perils. Then again, the is inherent to all forms of intimacy, and dating always includes vulnerability. While the present is difficult and the future remains uncertain, we can choose to recommit to ourselves and to healthier forms of love and intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Benefits of Taking it Slow While Dating<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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<\/p>\n\n\n\nGet to know yourself<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\nFocus on emotional connections<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Keep expectations realistic<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Physical Distancing With Social Solidarity<\/h4>\n\n\n\n
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